The hole she left

I've been watching the show Doctor Who on Netflix.  A couple days ago, I was watching the episode "The Doctor's Daughter."  The Doctor and company had ended up on a planet where they were immediately taken captive and the Doctor's hand was shoved into a machine where a tissue sample was taken, his DNA was recombined, and a woman was made from it.  One of the Doctor's companions joked with him about "daddy shock" resulting in sudden unexpected fatherhood.  He then explained to her that he had been a father before, but like his planet and race, they were gone now, casualties of the great Time War.  And then he said, "When I look at her, I see the holes they left and the pain that filled them."

I loved that line because it resonated so much.  Whenever someone makes a comment that insinuates that since I have had three healthy children since Cora's death I should somehow be "better" or that grieving somehow means I'm not grateful for those three, this explains how it feels.

Whenever I look at them, I see the hole she left and that pain that filled it.  Whenever I watch them play, hug, hold hands, or even fight, I see what is missing.

It's like seeing a ghost almost.  I can see in my mind where she would fit.  I can't help but imagine what she would do and what she would say, who she would be.

I find so much immense joy in my children.  I love every small moment with them.


But when I look at them, I see the hole she left and the pain that filled it.

Anniversary & Father's Day

Friday, June 17, 2005, Matt and I were married.  It was one of the happiest days of my life.

Saturday, June 17, 2006, we spread Cora's ashes on the water of Jenny Lake in the Grand Teton Mountains.  It was one of the saddest days of my life.

Interesting how so much can change in a year.  The day after we spread Cora's ashes was Father's Day, of course.  But how do you celebrate the father who can't hold his child in his arms?  We'd also planned on having Cora blessed in our church that day.  It was really hard.  I've never been able to tell if it was harder for me or Matt though.

So today it's my anniversary AND Father's Day, and I can't help but thinking of what it should have been.  We've had 7 great years and have 3 healthy, living children, and I'm missing the one we don't have something fierce.

How Great Thou Art

I've been watching the show "Duets" lately, and this last week's episode was "Songs That Inspire."  John Glosson chose "How Great Thou Art" in dedication to his family.  His older brother died of leukemia the day after his mother found out she was pregnant with him.  Listening to him talk about his brother that he never got to know...I really hope that Erin has that connection to Cora when she's older.  I hope she never truly understands what it was like for me when her sister died, but I hope that as she comes to understand what death really means that she will still feel the connection she seems to have now.  And that Patrick and Allison will grow to have that too.

Because as long as we remember she's never truly gone.