A gift for Cora

Last year I decided that I should pick a girl Cora's would-be age and get a gift for her in memory of Cora, so I could feel like I was buying a present for her.  Of course, by the time I decided that it was too close to Christmas and the trees weren't available any more.

And this year, I can't FIND one.  Maybe they're waiting until December to put them out?

Anyway, our church Christmas party is tomorrow, and they're doing a toy drive for The Action Center, so I decided I could buy a toy for Cora and donate it there.

Standing in the toy aisle I started to cry.  NONE of the toys seemed right, or good enough.  After staring at it all, I realized it was because I wanted to buy a toy for Cora, not for someone else in memory of Cora.  So I settled on something, left sad because in the end, I was robbed of the chance to buy Christmas gifts for my child. I was left forever wondering what she would want for Christmas.  And it hurts.

*sigh*

A gift from Calypso's mommy

I joined Justmommies forums (specifically the pregnancy loss/stillbirth section) 2 months after Cora died.  So it's been just about 6 1/2 years now.  And in those years I have met hundreds of women who have gone through the same thing as me.  It's heartbreaking, but at the same time I have made so many wonderful friends through this shared experience.

One of them is Calypso's mom. ((I refer to her as Calypso's mom instead of by name, because really, we babyloss moms don't often get to be identified as the mothers of our babies who aren't with us, so it's nice to hear sometimes))

Anyway one of my favorite things about having babyloss friends is that Cora gets remembered, (just as I remember their babies).  It's good to have people do things for her.  And Calypso's mom has a little tree for Calypso, decorated with ornaments in memory of Calypso's friends.  And she did one for Cora.

I love that it's simply her name, because really, her name is perfect.

So, Calypso's mommy, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Cora's stocking

We put up Christmas yesterday.  I've posted about Cora's stocking before, but this time was a little different.  Erin was helping me, and she's a lot more aware about things this year.  She asked me what Santa would put in Cora's stocking, and why there were envelopes in it.  So I told her that Santa puts something to the family in the stocking, because she can't play with her own toys so it doesn't make sense to put something for her in it, but he doesn't want Cora to be forgotten.  I of course teared up.  I always do.  And she hugged me as she always does.

I hope that seeing me grieve for her sister not only shows her how deeply I love her sister, and therefore her, but that grief is okay.  That you don't have to cover it up, and that it's okay to feel.  Mostly, though, I hope she never ever has to know what it feels like to grieve for her child.

Breaks my heart.

I just made pumpkin chocolate chip cookies with Erin.  After everything was all mixed up, she got out a book and stuff and started to pretend to make her own cookies.  Gingerbread men. With her cousins...and Cora.

I hate that to play with her sister she has to pretend.  I LOVE that she knows her sister, but really?  It just hurts that she doesn't really get to know her.  I wasn't the only one robbed.  Erin, Patrick, and Allison were robbed of a sister.  And as Erin gets older it's becoming more and more evident to me.  How long until she meets other kids and realizes what a big sister is supposed to be?  Will she go crying to me like I did to my dad at not having one?  I didn't know about my stillborn sister at that time, and that's when my dad told me, but how will it feel for Erin?  When she understands what death really is and sees others have what she should?

It just breaks my heart.

Holidays

I find holidays hard.  And I don't think I'm ever going to get over it.  I became pregnant with Erin in October of 2006, about 5 months after Cora died, so I was pregnant through Cora's would-be first holiday season.  But honestly, I found no comfort in it because I knew from experience that pregnancy was no guarantee of a baby, and I was skirting the edge of real terror at any given moment.

But even being pregnant didn't change the fact that that Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas I was supposed to have a baby, not be expecting one.

Holidays change when you have a child, and I knew that from hearing others speak of it (and I just knew that logically, it would be true since having a child changes everything else).  But a child's death also changes holidays, in a way that you can't really expect.

I feel like I say this every time, but I truly do appreciate having my living children to celebrate with.  However I'm missing one.  And I always will be missing one.

Yesterday, my daughter's elementary school had their annual "Turkey Trot." But just before that they had a little memorial for a boy who died of leukemia this summer.  He would have been a 6th grader this academic year.  They planted a tree in his memory, and it has a plaque.  My heart broke for his parents and what they went through with the long battle before his death, but at the same time, I felt such envy.  They got 12 years with him.  They have pictures of him, alive and well, and happy and smiling.  They knew his laugh, and his likes and dislikes, who he was.  I can't imagine how hard it was for them, but at the same time, I wish I had those memories.  I wish I had any memories, and not just imaginations.

I wish I could remember Cora's Christmases, instead of imagining what they were like.  I wish I could remember her Halloween costume choices, instead of just imagining what she would have wanted to be.