Euphemism

According to dictionary.com, a euphemism is "the substitution of a mild, indirect or vague expression for one thought to be offensive, harsh or blunt."  One of the most common subjects we use euphemisms for is death.  Even the example given was for death.

In that documentary on JK Rowling that I mentioned in the last post, she was talking about the fact that her father requested that she not see her mother after she died, and listening to him was one of her biggest regrets, because "the truth of a thing is easier to handle than what we substitute for the truth."   I believe this to be true.  

I was talking to a dear friend of mine shortly after Erin was born, about her sister that was stillborn (even stillborn is a euphemism) when she was 4 years old.  Her parents talked about "losing the baby."  She said that for the longest time she thought her parents had misplaced her baby sister, and she couldn't understand why they weren't looking for her.

It really made me think about the messages we send ourselves as baby loss parents. Yes, it hurts so badly to say "my baby died," but I wonder of some of the mommy-guilt felt by a mother whose baby has died stems from the subconscious message received by "I lost my baby."

But I didn't lose her.  She wasn't misplaced, or dropped, or left somewhere.  She died.  She died, and it wasn't my fault.  That's why I try not to use euphemisms.  It may be harder for other people to hear, but the truth of the thing is easier for me to handle than what is substituted for the truth.

Crazy/cool/weird

I'm a Harry Potter fan.  I've always been an avid reader, so when I find a good series (I admit, it wasn't until the first movie was made that I started reading them), I sort of latch on.  I got really into the speculation and everything going on as the books were coming out, I went to midnight releases.  I sort of miss that, actually, I haven't found a series that really has that much hype about it...that is good anyway.

So, anyway, I finally got around to buying the bluray of Half Blood Prince this week.  Last night Matt opened it and we were watching the special features.  There was a documentary that was called "A Year in the Life of Jo Rowling."  I was enjoying it and everything.  She started drawing out a Weasley family tree of the kids and who they marry and who their children are.  She was talking about Bill and Fleur, and their daughter Victoire.  She explained that they named her that because she was born on the anniversary of the last battle with Voldemort.

And then she said "That was the 2nd of May, by the way."


I got the chills.

May 2nd.

Cora's birthday.

I don't know if I can adequately describe what it really means to me.  I mean, it's fiction.  I know that.  But...when reading it, that victory felt like my victory.  And for it to be such an important date to me...it's just strange.

Major life events make me think...

...about how lucky I am.  My older brother got married this last Saturday, and we traveled down to Vegas to be with my family.  The newlyweds have been dating for, well, ever it seems, and I'm so glad that she's finally officially my sister-in-law.  As I sat at the table at the reception (when I wasn't up dancing) I got to just watch my family.  Everyone was just happy.  We've seen our fair share of hardships and tragedies.  The last few months has actually been really hard for my family.  But at that particular time we were able to set aside our sadnesses and just celebrate.

I don't know if I'd appreciate the good times as much if I hadn't had the bad ones.  Would I really, truly, appreciate dancing with Erin as much if I didn't have the disappointment (to put it mildly) of not dancing with Cora?

I don't know.  But I know I do love those moments where I can just forget it all and be happy.

Life after death

No, I'm not talking about whether or not someone lives on after they die.

I'm thinking more along the lines that we can live after our loved ones die.  Not just survive (of course, at first you're thrown into survival mode for a while), but truly live.

My older brother, sister-in-law, niece, and younger sister drove four hours from Utah to visit us the day after Cora was born.  They were our closest family, and one day was all that they could manage (well, they stayed the night, so I guess it was technically 2 days, but they left early the next morning).  I remember distinctly sitting at lunch with them. I was sitting next to my niece, who was 7 at the time, and we were laughing about something.  I don't remember what.  My sister-in-law looked at me with sad eyes and said "You're still in shock, aren't you?"
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because you're smiling and laughing."  I don't think I said anything then, but I remember thinking Why shouldn't I laugh when I'm spending time with niece?

Of course, Amber was right.  I WAS in shock.  It took about a week for the full force of my grief to hit, and then I found it hard to enjoy anything.  All smiles were forced, and I hardly ever laughed.  But my response stayed on my mind: Why shouldn't I laugh??

I look back through pictures of the summer after Cora died, and I can pinpoint those times when I did what I did while with my niece in that restaurant: lived truly in the moment, enjoying my immediate surroundings, not thinking about what was or what should have been.  I remember camping with another sister-in-law (my husband's sister this time).  We were goofing off in the tent, and I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.  It didn't last long though, something would happen and the sadness crept back in, and I would feel guilty.

But why shouldn't I laugh??

I was watching the movie Raising Helen not long ago.  I saw it in the theater in 2004 when it first came out, so my perception of it this go around was a bit different.

Helen's sister and her husband die at the beginning of the movie, leaving Helen (a single party girl working at a modeling agency) with custody of their three grieving children.

A very poignant part of the movie is when she's talking to her nephew about why he refuses to play basketball anymore.  He explained that he and his father played, and he just felt he couldn't play without him.

Helen then says, "Every time you do something you enjoyed with them, every time you smile, every time you laugh, all of their hopes and dreams for you come true.  If you stop doing all those things because they died, it makes their dreams die."

It makes Cora happy when I enjoy playing with her siblings.  Yes, it would have been great to have Cora here too, but it would be worse if her death caused me to stop enjoying life.

If she were here, she'd be laughing with us.  So why shouldn't I laugh?

God won't give you more than you can handle.

This is another one of those platitudes that I hate.  What makes it worse is that this one is based in scripture, so everyone takes it as true. (I'm not going to get into a scriptural discussion here.  I'll just leave it as I think it's been constantly misinterpreted)


It doesn't make sense, though, that God wouldn't allow us more trials than we can handle.  What are the purpose of trials?  As anyone religious and they'd tell you that we have trials to make our faith stronger.  Okay, that I can accept, it's held true in my life.  But think of it, when someone is trying to build muscle strength, do they stop at what they can handle?  No.  They push until they go past what they can handle.  During training, they tear their muscles.  And when those muscles heal and build themselves back, they are stronger than they were before.  So then, why would God not allow us anything we can't handle if we are to become stronger? 


I can't handle this.  I said it my entire life, especially after the death of Kade.  I held that scripture that I spoke of earlier as a comfort.  I would never lose a child because I couldn't handle it, and God would never give me more than I could handle.  I felt so betrayed when it happened.  I felt like I had been lied to.


There's something really important to remember though.  God doesn't expect us to handle our trials alone.  Every day of the last 4 years, 3 months, and 4 weeks, has been more grief than I could ever expect to handle alone.  But I haven't been alone.  I have never been alone.  I have felt God in my life.  Like in the poem Footprints In The Sand, I have been carried.  He has given me His strength, and He can handle all things.  So it's not that He won't give me more than I can handle, but He will give me the strength - His strength - to handle anything that comes my way.


"I will not leave you comfortless, I will come to you." John 14:18
"Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will not boast of myself, but I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things" Alma 26:12

Been sick lately

And when I'm not feeling well I think about Cora a lot.  But I have no energy to speak of.  So there have been SEVERAL times I've sat down in front of the computer to blog about...something...and then just stared at the keyboard for 10 minutes or so, unable to frame my thoughts.

I went to the doctor today.  It was my normal 6-month blood draw to check my thyroid levels.  I have a feeling they're off.  I also have a double ear infection, a sinus infection starting and a probable UTI.  With the other two, she decided not to actually take a urine sample.  She said we'd just assume I do, and since I'm needing an antibiotic anyway, she prescribed me one that would take care of that too.

And, as is the way of antibiotics, I feel worse after starting them than I did earlier.

Anyway, all that to say I have much on my mind, but it just doesn't translate through my fingers that well....so I'll probably be quiet for a while.

I Still Miss You

(I would be adding this song to Cora's playlist if the website could find it, but alas, no such luck)


I Still Miss You (Keith Anderson)


I've changed the presets in my truck
so those old songs don't sneak up
they still find me and remind me
yeah you come back that easy
try restaurants I've never been to
order new things off the menu
that I never tried cause you didn't like
two drinks in you were by my side

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you
I still miss you baby

I never knew til you were gone
how many pages you were on
it never ends I keep turning
and line after line and you are there again
I dont know how to let you go
you are so deep down in my soul
I feel helpless so hopeless
its a door that never closes
no I don't know how to do this

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I've talked to friends
I've talked to myself
I've talked to God
I prayed liked hell but I still miss you
I tried sober I tried drinking
I've been strong and I've been weak
and I still miss you
I've done everything
move on like I'm supposed to
I'd give anything for one more minute with you
I still miss you yeah

I still miss you
I still miss you