My "Cora ring"

At about 33 weeks pregnant with Cora, my right foot suddenly started swelling.  Like, ballooned up out of nowhere.  It was that same way until a few days after delivery.  Anyway, my other foot and hands swelled ever so slightly too.  Enough that I couldn't wear my wedding ring.  I had a slightly bigger right-hand ring that I had been wearing in place of it, but one day even that one wouldn't fit.  I tried to put it on on my way to work and couldn't, and being an emotional, hormonal, sick pregnant woman I started to cry.  My poor husband didn't know what to do.  He finally got me calmed down and drove me to work.

It was a Saturday, and he happened to have the day off.  About half an hour into my shift he comes waltzing into my work place with a grin on his face.  He'd gone straight to Walmart, and bought me a $15 sterling silver band, 2 sizes bigger than my regular size.  Now, we had no money, so $15 was kind of a big deal.  And of course it made me cry again.   I wore that ring to the end of my pregnancy, and was a little sad when it didn't fit anymore.

I didn't have any swelling issues with Erin and Patrick.  But here I am 33 weeks pregnant again, and my foot again is going crazy, and my wedding ring and right-hand ring don't fit.  So I just pulled out my "Cora ring."  I have many fond memories with this ring.  Sad ones too, but the good ones now outweigh the bad. It's kind of bittersweet.

It's all much more emotional than I thought (nursery again)

So yesterday as I was sitting painting my nursery, I had a sort of mini breakdown.  I just had to stop and cry.  Cry for my first nursery and all the memories that didn't get made in it.

Today I'm realizing I'm having a hard time not having everything absolutely perfect.  I'm sure that's more of Cora's nursery arising.  I didn't have the ability to get her nursery exactly the way I wanted, because I was in an apartment and we had no money at all.  And of course, my irrational brain is connecting that nursery imperfection with her death.

I need to make myself relax and just let some things slide.  But really I just want to cry.

The nursery (pregnancy mentioned)

I'm really excited to start painting the room that will be my nursery.  And yet I keep avoiding it.

The only baby I had an extra room for for a nursery was Cora.  We were in an apartment so I couldn't paint, but I did decently well.  It wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it worked.

And I didn't get a picture of it before Cora died.  So the only picture I have is months later when we stored everything we needed to move in there and just shut the door.

So I'm feeling a little bit skittish about starting another nursery.  Especially a real one with paint and everything.  So I keep putting it off.

Cora's shelf again.

It still isn't up.  It's a little hard, but okay at the same time.  It's a great emotional improvement on my part, I think, that I'm getting everything else unpacked first.  Once I get my bedroom completely unpacked, all I have left is my craft room and the pictures that go on the walls.  So Cora's shelf will go up as soon as my room is unpacked.

Still don't know where, but I'll find a good spot.

Proud of myself (pregnancy mentioned)

Okay, a little back story.  After Cora died my husband and I took stock of the things we should keep and things we should return.  We knew we'd have more kids, so we decided the furniture and clothing we'd keep, but the bath stuff, and the diapers and wipes we'd return.  Needless to say, returning several packages of diapers and having to explain why was rather traumatizing.

When Erin was born, I didn't buy any diapers at all until we got home from the hospital.  I just couldn't buy another package of diapers until I knew I needed them without a doubt.

With Patrick, I plucked up my courage and bought a package the day before I was induced.  And freaked out.  It was such a hard thing for me to do.

Well, today I was at Target, and I bought a package of newborn diapers.  At 28 weeks.  I did freak out and had to have a friend remind me it wouldn't jinx things.  But now that I've gotten through that, I'm proud of myself.  I can't believe how well I'm doing emotionally this go around.

New neighbor noticed Cora's sticker on my car

This evening we were over our new house cleaning things up, figuring out which light switch plates needed to be replaced, etc.

As I was walking out, the new next door neighbor was out and came over to say hi as I was getting the kids in the car.

She asked about the sticker, and I got to talk about my Cora.  It was nice to have it out in the open.  I mean, it's a part of my life, so I want people to know, but I don't want to spring it on people.  I was glad I had that sticker on my car.  I was glad I got to talk about Cora.  And Suzy was so sweet.  She's got 2 adult kids, so could understand that it would be a devastating thing.

She told me she was proud of me for having 2 kids and being pregnant again.  Made me feel good.

One step further away.

Matt and I closed a house purchase on Wednesday and officially took possession yesterday afternoon.  We are thrilled with this chapter in our lives, and being able to get out of an apartment and into a place all our own.

But sitting on the floor of our family room yesterday, as excited as I was, it was bittersweet.

This house is the 4th place Matt and I will live in.  Cora was conceived, lived in my womb, and died, all in our first apartment.  I am moving further and further away from her and it just breaks my heart.  I wish so much I could be painting a room for her.  Instead, I'm packing up her mementos and shelf, trying to decide where it will hang in our new home.

Maybe I'll put it in the nursery, so she can watch over her baby sister.