Home to My Heart

((From All Dogs Go To Heaven))


All I have is a picture in my mind how it would be
If we were together
Let's pretend that you're far away
Let's say you write to me
And you promise in your letter
That you'll come home
Come home to my heart
When you come home
We'll never be apart
If I keep dreaming of you
Start believing it's true
Soon you'll come home
Soon you'll come home
Soon you'll come home
To my heart

Soon you'll come home
Home to my heart
Soon you'll come home
Home to my heart
If I believe...

Scrapbooks

It's been a crazy couple of months, complete with moving and then flooding basement and then restoration of the basement.  I'm finally getting things put back together (the carpet got finished yesterday so everything is all done).  So I'm redoing my scrapbooking room, and I can't help but pause and look through the scrapbooks.

I came across the page I made while pregnant with Cora.  It was more painful than I expected it to be.  I haven't looked at that page since I made it, I don't think.  It was hard to go back and read of the happiness and the hopes and dreams that I knew would ultimately be dashed...but I didn't know then.  It was hard to look that woman in the face and reflect on who I was and how I have changed.  Most of the changes have been good ones, but it has been a very very painful process.

My heart aches to be the woman that that woman thought she would be.

edited to add:
I just picked up an 8x8 album that I had been making an alphabet book with.  I flipped through the pages to figure out what I'd done and what needed to be done, wondering why I had stopped working on it.

And then I saw this

I feel like I should finish it...but how can I?

2 weeks (pregnancy mentioned)

Tomorrow I'll be 36 weeks pregnant.  That gives me 2 weeks to the fateful day in my pregnancy with Cora.  I fell asleep the night of 38 weeks, and woke up to no response.  I have 3 weeks until my induction (23 days actually).

I keep trying to keep my mind off it, but part of me feels like a ticking bomb.  Like all I have left with Allison is 2 weeks.  I made it past 38 weeks with Patrick, all the way to 39 weeks and 3 days.  I keep telling myself that.  Patrick made it here, safe and sound.  He's healthy and happy.  Allison can make it to 39 weeks.

But I close my eyes and I see that fateful ultrasound showing Cora's still heart.  And I can feel Cora's still body in my arms.  And I dread it.

Then and now (pregnancy mentioned)

My very last picture taken when pregnant with Cora was at 34 weeks.  I've shared it before, but I love it because I look so very very happy in it.

I'm 34 weeks today with Allison.  The anxiety is starting to creep in a little.

My "Cora ring"

At about 33 weeks pregnant with Cora, my right foot suddenly started swelling.  Like, ballooned up out of nowhere.  It was that same way until a few days after delivery.  Anyway, my other foot and hands swelled ever so slightly too.  Enough that I couldn't wear my wedding ring.  I had a slightly bigger right-hand ring that I had been wearing in place of it, but one day even that one wouldn't fit.  I tried to put it on on my way to work and couldn't, and being an emotional, hormonal, sick pregnant woman I started to cry.  My poor husband didn't know what to do.  He finally got me calmed down and drove me to work.

It was a Saturday, and he happened to have the day off.  About half an hour into my shift he comes waltzing into my work place with a grin on his face.  He'd gone straight to Walmart, and bought me a $15 sterling silver band, 2 sizes bigger than my regular size.  Now, we had no money, so $15 was kind of a big deal.  And of course it made me cry again.   I wore that ring to the end of my pregnancy, and was a little sad when it didn't fit anymore.

I didn't have any swelling issues with Erin and Patrick.  But here I am 33 weeks pregnant again, and my foot again is going crazy, and my wedding ring and right-hand ring don't fit.  So I just pulled out my "Cora ring."  I have many fond memories with this ring.  Sad ones too, but the good ones now outweigh the bad. It's kind of bittersweet.

It's all much more emotional than I thought (nursery again)

So yesterday as I was sitting painting my nursery, I had a sort of mini breakdown.  I just had to stop and cry.  Cry for my first nursery and all the memories that didn't get made in it.

Today I'm realizing I'm having a hard time not having everything absolutely perfect.  I'm sure that's more of Cora's nursery arising.  I didn't have the ability to get her nursery exactly the way I wanted, because I was in an apartment and we had no money at all.  And of course, my irrational brain is connecting that nursery imperfection with her death.

I need to make myself relax and just let some things slide.  But really I just want to cry.

The nursery (pregnancy mentioned)

I'm really excited to start painting the room that will be my nursery.  And yet I keep avoiding it.

The only baby I had an extra room for for a nursery was Cora.  We were in an apartment so I couldn't paint, but I did decently well.  It wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it worked.

And I didn't get a picture of it before Cora died.  So the only picture I have is months later when we stored everything we needed to move in there and just shut the door.

So I'm feeling a little bit skittish about starting another nursery.  Especially a real one with paint and everything.  So I keep putting it off.