Her outfit (new baby mentioned)

Allison is a month old today and I decided to take some pictures.  I was trying to figure out what outfit to put her in, when it occurred to me that she hadn't worn Cora's would-be coming home outfit yet.  It seemed perfect.

So here is Allison in Angel Sister's outfit.

Her shelf, finally

It finally is up.  It is currently the ONLY decorative thing we have hanging on any of our walls.

The wing broke off my white angel. :(  It'll be fairly easy to glue it, I just need to find the right kind of glue.

A moment in the car

I tell people that when Erin was born, I felt like I had to start over in my grief process, because I didn't really have any idea what I was losing when Cora died.  I hadn't ever had a child, so my life didn't really change with her death.  I didn't have any experience with my own child so I didn't have any idea what it was really like.  I lost an idea.

But then Erin came along and every noise she made, every movement and every look made that loss so very real.

It hasn't been that bad since.  A new baby makes me miss that experience with Cora, but it's not so crushing.

However, I do have moments.  And I had one of those in the car today.  I went out to run an errand, just me and Allison.  A time to get a moment to myself.  Allison was asleep in the back, so I didn't have to really worry about her.  And then this song came on the radio ("If you get there before I do" by Collin Raye).  It was one I'd heard before, but not for years, but I remembered it enough to start crying halfway into the first line.  By the time the chorus started, it was all out sobs:

If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then til I see you again
I'll be loving you, love, me

I hope she's listening.

Cora's visits

When Erin was born, I was nursing her one day and she unlatched, looked over my shoulder, and grinned the biggest grin you've ever seen.  She was only a few days, maybe a week, old, so smiling isn't something she was really readily doing yet.

But I knew that was a real smile, and I had the distinct impression that the smile was for Cora, who had dropped in for a visit.  It happened a couple times more too.  Patrick did it too, but not nearly as often.

Allison has been doing it a lot.  It really warms my heart.  I want my kids to have a connection to their big sister.  Last night at about 3am I was burping Allison, and she looked up and smiled the most amazing smile. I treasure those little moments.

Safe and sound (newborn mentioned)

Allison Reine arrived yesterday evening, August 27th, at 5:39 pm.  She weighed 7lbs4oz and is 21 inches long.

There were a couple scary moments right at the end of delivery (including her being born with the cord around her neck twice!), but she is here safe and sound, healthy and beautiful.

She doesn't have red hair, but she does look just like her sister (as have all Cora's rainbow siblings!)

Finally found a good answer...(pregnancy mentioned)

I was grocery shopping yesterday, and Erin announced to the cashier "Awwison will be born on Saturday!"  So then I had to explain to the cashier that yes, I was being induced on Saturday which naturally lead to the question of "oh, are you overdue?"  I hate having to explain.  I hate not acknowledging Cora though.  But then it came to me.

"No, I have a history of loss, so they don't let me go to my due date."

To which she responded, "oh, well it's good that they're keeping an eye on you then!"

I didn't have to explain the anxiety I get.  I didn't want to explain the dreams (like the one last night where I dreamed I had to explain to Erin why Allison wasn't coming home.  My first one like that this pregnancy.  Thankfully, Allison's being very active today!).  But apparently the answer I gave is a socially acceptable amount of information.  I hate more than anything how talking about a baby's death suddenly make conversation so awkward, but we were able to just continue on like I hadn't said anything horrible.  Now I know what to say for the next 2 days!

Made it through (pregnancy mentioned)

Well, I made it through my loss milestone.  Allison is active enough to keep me sane, even though she's playing games with me.  She'll be really quiet just long enough to get me anxious, and then beat me up.  But it's okay.  I can make it 5 more days...

And luckily I've escaped all the nightmares I had with Erin and Patrick so far.  That's such a relief!