First birthdays

I don't know why first birthdays are so hard.  This is the 4th time I've done a first birthday, the 3rd with a living child. We did cupcakes & presents with friends today for Allison.  Her birthday isn't actually until Monday, but today worked best.  Anyway, I was totally in the moment while IN the moment.  But for the rest of today, looking at the pictures, part of my heart breaks over again.

Instead of this

I had this.

Cora's first birthday was a beautiful day.  It couldn't have been more perfect.  Except that she wasn't there.  Kind of a huge imperfection, I know.  I wish I could have spent it with her.  I wish I could have had pictures of her covered in chocolate icing.  I wish I wish I wish.