This is my 10th one. My 10th New Year without my Cora. It seems astounding to me. Time is so strange. I can close my eyes and it seems just like the first one...life forever altered. Hurt, angry, wondering why it had to happen to me. One more day down the line. One more day further away.
And yet sometimes, when I open my eyes, it's almost as if she was never here. And that hurts more I think. Life goes on, and while I think of her every day, it isn't always with tears. But sometimes, those days and months and years feel unbearable. How many more must I endure? I'll be 34 this year, I'm hoping for at least 50 more.
It helps if I turn it around. Each day is one day closer to seeing her again. One day less of the 50 more years. I'm not suicidal, but I don't fear death. I'm looking forward to seeing my sweet Cora again.
Until then, I speak her name. Because, according to the Egyptian Book of the Dead "To speak the name of the dead is to make him live again. It restores the breath of life to him that is vanished."
I love you Cora Rei.