Sunday, August 28, 2011

Safe and sound (newborn mentioned)

Allison Reine arrived yesterday evening, August 27th, at 5:39 pm.  She weighed 7lbs4oz and is 21 inches long.

There were a couple scary moments right at the end of delivery (including her being born with the cord around her neck twice!), but she is here safe and sound, healthy and beautiful.

She doesn't have red hair, but she does look just like her sister (as have all Cora's rainbow siblings!)

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Finally found a good answer...(pregnancy mentioned)

I was grocery shopping yesterday, and Erin announced to the cashier "Awwison will be born on Saturday!"  So then I had to explain to the cashier that yes, I was being induced on Saturday which naturally lead to the question of "oh, are you overdue?"  I hate having to explain.  I hate not acknowledging Cora though.  But then it came to me.

"No, I have a history of loss, so they don't let me go to my due date."

To which she responded, "oh, well it's good that they're keeping an eye on you then!"

I didn't have to explain the anxiety I get.  I didn't want to explain the dreams (like the one last night where I dreamed I had to explain to Erin why Allison wasn't coming home.  My first one like that this pregnancy.  Thankfully, Allison's being very active today!).  But apparently the answer I gave is a socially acceptable amount of information.  I hate more than anything how talking about a baby's death suddenly make conversation so awkward, but we were able to just continue on like I hadn't said anything horrible.  Now I know what to say for the next 2 days!

Monday, August 22, 2011

Made it through (pregnancy mentioned)

Well, I made it through my loss milestone.  Allison is active enough to keep me sane, even though she's playing games with me.  She'll be really quiet just long enough to get me anxious, and then beat me up.  But it's okay.  I can make it 5 more days...

And luckily I've escaped all the nightmares I had with Erin and Patrick so far.  That's such a relief!

Friday, August 19, 2011

38 Weeks

38 weeks was the last day in my pregnancy with Cora that she was alive.  I woke up that morning (Sunday, April 30th) to get ready for church and when I stood up I realized that I could breathe.  Sure enough, looking in the mirror, she had dropped.  I was excited, since it was something that was supposed to be a precursor to labor.  I would be having a baby soon!  I had random erratic contractions throughout the day, but nothing in a pattern or really very intense.  I contemplated calling into work that evening (I worked at a gas station convenience store), but decided that standing during my shifts might help things along.

I just felt "off" all day, and didn't know what to make of it.  I was having a lot of discharge, and when a friend came in (she was an off shift coworker) to visit and get a movie and candy, I mentioned to her that I wondered if my fluid was leaking.  She offered to finish my shift so I could go to the hospital, and I said "No, it's probably nothing, I'll wait and see what happens in the morning."

I've never regretted any words more ever in my life.  She stretched during that conversation, so hard it hurt.  That's the last time I distinctly remember her movement.  I think she might have moved a little after that, but that was the last time I specifically remember it.

The next morning when I woke up there was nothing at all.

I'm 38 weeks today.  Allison is very active, which is comforting.  But I have to admit, I'm scared to go to sleep tonight.  I'm scared for what tomorrow morning will bring.

And I miss my baby girl so much it hurts.

Monday, August 15, 2011


Sometimes it surprises me how much of an impact Cora has on people that, quite frankly, I've never met.  I'm not going to call them strangers, because in reality these ladies are my friends.  Some of whom are very dear to my heart, near sisters.

I received this in the mail today and was instantly brought to tears.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Another first I'll never get.

Cora should be starting Kindergarten on the 22nd.  I should be buying new clothes and crayons and pencils and paper and a backpack and wondering where on earth the time went.


Sunday, August 7, 2011

Home to My Heart

((From All Dogs Go To Heaven))

All I have is a picture in my mind how it would be
If we were together
Let's pretend that you're far away
Let's say you write to me
And you promise in your letter
That you'll come home
Come home to my heart
When you come home
We'll never be apart
If I keep dreaming of you
Start believing it's true
Soon you'll come home
Soon you'll come home
Soon you'll come home
To my heart

Soon you'll come home
Home to my heart
Soon you'll come home
Home to my heart
If I believe...

Saturday, August 6, 2011


It's been a crazy couple of months, complete with moving and then flooding basement and then restoration of the basement.  I'm finally getting things put back together (the carpet got finished yesterday so everything is all done).  So I'm redoing my scrapbooking room, and I can't help but pause and look through the scrapbooks.

I came across the page I made while pregnant with Cora.  It was more painful than I expected it to be.  I haven't looked at that page since I made it, I don't think.  It was hard to go back and read of the happiness and the hopes and dreams that I knew would ultimately be dashed...but I didn't know then.  It was hard to look that woman in the face and reflect on who I was and how I have changed.  Most of the changes have been good ones, but it has been a very very painful process.

My heart aches to be the woman that that woman thought she would be.

edited to add:
I just picked up an 8x8 album that I had been making an alphabet book with.  I flipped through the pages to figure out what I'd done and what needed to be done, wondering why I had stopped working on it.

And then I saw this
I feel like I should finish it...but how can I?

Thursday, August 4, 2011

2 weeks (pregnancy mentioned)

Tomorrow I'll be 36 weeks pregnant.  That gives me 2 weeks to the fateful day in my pregnancy with Cora.  I fell asleep the night of 38 weeks, and woke up to no response.  I have 3 weeks until my induction (23 days actually).

I keep trying to keep my mind off it, but part of me feels like a ticking bomb.  Like all I have left with Allison is 2 weeks.  I made it past 38 weeks with Patrick, all the way to 39 weeks and 3 days.  I keep telling myself that.  Patrick made it here, safe and sound.  He's healthy and happy.  Allison can make it to 39 weeks.

But I close my eyes and I see that fateful ultrasound showing Cora's still heart.  And I can feel Cora's still body in my arms.  And I dread it.