Friday, July 22, 2011

Then and now (pregnancy mentioned)

My very last picture taken when pregnant with Cora was at 34 weeks.  I've shared it before, but I love it because I look so very very happy in it.
I'm 34 weeks today with Allison.  The anxiety is starting to creep in a little.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

My "Cora ring"

At about 33 weeks pregnant with Cora, my right foot suddenly started swelling.  Like, ballooned up out of nowhere.  It was that same way until a few days after delivery.  Anyway, my other foot and hands swelled ever so slightly too.  Enough that I couldn't wear my wedding ring.  I had a slightly bigger right-hand ring that I had been wearing in place of it, but one day even that one wouldn't fit.  I tried to put it on on my way to work and couldn't, and being an emotional, hormonal, sick pregnant woman I started to cry.  My poor husband didn't know what to do.  He finally got me calmed down and drove me to work.

It was a Saturday, and he happened to have the day off.  About half an hour into my shift he comes waltzing into my work place with a grin on his face.  He'd gone straight to Walmart, and bought me a $15 sterling silver band, 2 sizes bigger than my regular size.  Now, we had no money, so $15 was kind of a big deal.  And of course it made me cry again.   I wore that ring to the end of my pregnancy, and was a little sad when it didn't fit anymore.

I didn't have any swelling issues with Erin and Patrick.  But here I am 33 weeks pregnant again, and my foot again is going crazy, and my wedding ring and right-hand ring don't fit.  So I just pulled out my "Cora ring."  I have many fond memories with this ring.  Sad ones too, but the good ones now outweigh the bad. It's kind of bittersweet.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

It's all much more emotional than I thought (nursery again)

So yesterday as I was sitting painting my nursery, I had a sort of mini breakdown.  I just had to stop and cry.  Cry for my first nursery and all the memories that didn't get made in it.

Today I'm realizing I'm having a hard time not having everything absolutely perfect.  I'm sure that's more of Cora's nursery arising.  I didn't have the ability to get her nursery exactly the way I wanted, because I was in an apartment and we had no money at all.  And of course, my irrational brain is connecting that nursery imperfection with her death.

I need to make myself relax and just let some things slide.  But really I just want to cry.

Monday, July 4, 2011

The nursery (pregnancy mentioned)

I'm really excited to start painting the room that will be my nursery.  And yet I keep avoiding it.

The only baby I had an extra room for for a nursery was Cora.  We were in an apartment so I couldn't paint, but I did decently well.  It wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it worked.

And I didn't get a picture of it before Cora died.  So the only picture I have is months later when we stored everything we needed to move in there and just shut the door.

So I'm feeling a little bit skittish about starting another nursery.  Especially a real one with paint and everything.  So I keep putting it off.