Saturday, August 25, 2012

First birthdays

I don't know why first birthdays are so hard.  This is the 4th time I've done a first birthday, the 3rd with a living child. We did cupcakes & presents with friends today for Allison.  Her birthday isn't actually until Monday, but today worked best.  Anyway, I was totally in the moment while IN the moment.  But for the rest of today, looking at the pictures, part of my heart breaks over again.

Instead of this
I had this.
Cora's first birthday was a beautiful day.  It couldn't have been more perfect.  Except that she wasn't there.  Kind of a huge imperfection, I know.  I wish I could have spent it with her.  I wish I could have had pictures of her covered in chocolate icing.  I wish I wish I wish.

Monday, August 20, 2012

First day of school

This is a post I should have made a year ago.  A year ago, Cora should have started kindergarten.  And it DID hurt a year ago, thinking all those should-have-beens, but it's one of those things that you don't really know how to grieve the missing of until you've actually experienced it.  Today I saw Cora's younger sister's excitement and wonder as she finally got to go to kindergarten (she's been talking about it for over a year now).

I cried when she went into the classroom.  Part of it was the normal mommy-cry of your baby growing up.  But a lot of it was missing the pictures of Cora in her backpack and first day outfit that I didn't get to take.  Missing the excited conversations about what she did and the new rules she'd learned and the kids in her class.  I'm not going to get to take first-day pictures of her, and that loss hurts more than I realized it would.