Thursday, March 31, 2011

Tangled Redux

When we went and saw Tangled in the theater, I loved it.  Even with the hard parts I made a post about.  But I loved it enough to buy it on Tuesday when it came out.

I sort of accidentally on purpose didn't watch the parts I mentioned in my previous post (I didn't necessarily make an effort not to, but it wasn't really completely accidental either).  But another part got me.

The witch stabbed Flynn/Eugene, and with his dying breath he cut Rapunzel's hair so that she would be free (and consequently couldn't heal him).  In grief, she sings her song:
Flower, gleam and glow.  Let your power shine.  Make the clock reverse: bring back what once was mine.  Heal what has been hurt.  Change the Fates' design.  Save what has been lost: bring back what once was mine, what once was mine.
Listening to the grief in her words just made that longing well up in me.  How amazing would it be to get that?  Even just for a moment.  I wish more than anything I could just have a moment with my Cora, to look into her eyes, see her smile, hear her laugh.

It's been stuck in my head for the past two days.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

There is life

I was watching Bambi II with my rainbows the other day.  I'd never really paid attention to it before, but I was laying on the couch with nothing else taking my attention.

So there's a song, between when Bambi's mom dies and the spring reappears, and it really struck me.  It's called "There Is Life"

Under the snow,
beneath the frozen streams,
there is life.
You have to know
when natures sleeps, 

she dreams there is life
And colder the winter,
the warmer the spring,
the deeper the sorrow,
the more our hearts sing
Even when you can't see it
Inside everything
There is life

After the rain,
the sun will reappear
there is life
After the pain,
the joy will still be here
There is life
For it's out of the darkness
that we learn to see
And out of the silence that sound come to be
And all that we dream of awaits patiently
There is life

There is life

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The door.

This was just posted on the facebook page called Chicken Soup for the Angel Mommy and Daddy's Soul, and it struck a chord with me.

That door. Somedays, it is the barrier between us and moving forward through grief. It keeps us from the world outside, from obtaining happiness inside, from moving in forward in time. It's as if our very step outside that door is a symbol of us leaving our angels behind. On the other side of that door is the unknown - what will people ask, what will we see, will we tumble and need to find shelter?We stare at that door, we tilt our heads, we shrug our shoulders, and give up. I have stood with the door open, standing on the frame- the tips of my toes teetering - hoping someone would push me through the magical barrier that keeps me from enjoying life...just outside that door. 
After Matt and I got home from that fateful ultrasound, we discussed a lot of things.  I'd had a history of severe depression and anxiety and we were both worried of how the death of our daughter would affect me.  One of the hardest things for me when I was in the midst of those emotional issues was to go outside.  I was *safe* inside.  So together we made the decision that I should get out of the apartment every day for at least 15 minutes, even if it was just to go sit on the grass outside and read in the sunlight.

It's amazing how hard it can be though.  And I've *never* lost the feeling of people watching me.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Another year

Another year missing my little redhead on St. Patrick's day.


Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Unexpected reminders.

I'm going through all my baby clothes today.  I have 5 totes full of baby clothes and I went through the drawers today and pulled out all that was too small and decided I needed to go through it all and not keep what I don't love.

And I came across this
Cora's would-be coming home outfit.  It kind of hit me like a bucket of cold water.  I knew it was in there, but I guess I just wasn't thinking about it.  I have pictures of Erin in it.  I will have pictures of any future girls in it.  But it breaks my heart that I didn't have pictures of Cora in it.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Not thinking about it (pregnancy mentioned)

I'm in that frustrating stage in pregnancy where I'm feeling little baby pokes here and there, but not at all consistently and not even every day.  At this point, I emotionally turn off I think.  I don't think about being pregnant and I don't think too much about Cora, either.  I just can't.  I'm in "survival" mode.

So, if I'm abnormally quiet, that's why.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Cora's legacy, perhaps.

This last week I was voted "Most Supportive Member" on my forum at  I am beyond touched and amazed, especially considering how many members there are and the other amazing women who were nominated with me.

Cora is the reason for this.  Cora is the reason I try to reach out and support so many other hurting mommies.  I got so much support when she died, I feel like I have to give back somehow.

I didn't ever expect this though.