Then and now (pregnancy mentioned)

My very last picture taken when pregnant with Cora was at 34 weeks.  I've shared it before, but I love it because I look so very very happy in it.

I'm 34 weeks today with Allison.  The anxiety is starting to creep in a little.

My "Cora ring"

At about 33 weeks pregnant with Cora, my right foot suddenly started swelling.  Like, ballooned up out of nowhere.  It was that same way until a few days after delivery.  Anyway, my other foot and hands swelled ever so slightly too.  Enough that I couldn't wear my wedding ring.  I had a slightly bigger right-hand ring that I had been wearing in place of it, but one day even that one wouldn't fit.  I tried to put it on on my way to work and couldn't, and being an emotional, hormonal, sick pregnant woman I started to cry.  My poor husband didn't know what to do.  He finally got me calmed down and drove me to work.

It was a Saturday, and he happened to have the day off.  About half an hour into my shift he comes waltzing into my work place with a grin on his face.  He'd gone straight to Walmart, and bought me a $15 sterling silver band, 2 sizes bigger than my regular size.  Now, we had no money, so $15 was kind of a big deal.  And of course it made me cry again.   I wore that ring to the end of my pregnancy, and was a little sad when it didn't fit anymore.

I didn't have any swelling issues with Erin and Patrick.  But here I am 33 weeks pregnant again, and my foot again is going crazy, and my wedding ring and right-hand ring don't fit.  So I just pulled out my "Cora ring."  I have many fond memories with this ring.  Sad ones too, but the good ones now outweigh the bad. It's kind of bittersweet.

It's all much more emotional than I thought (nursery again)

So yesterday as I was sitting painting my nursery, I had a sort of mini breakdown.  I just had to stop and cry.  Cry for my first nursery and all the memories that didn't get made in it.

Today I'm realizing I'm having a hard time not having everything absolutely perfect.  I'm sure that's more of Cora's nursery arising.  I didn't have the ability to get her nursery exactly the way I wanted, because I was in an apartment and we had no money at all.  And of course, my irrational brain is connecting that nursery imperfection with her death.

I need to make myself relax and just let some things slide.  But really I just want to cry.

The nursery (pregnancy mentioned)

I'm really excited to start painting the room that will be my nursery.  And yet I keep avoiding it.

The only baby I had an extra room for for a nursery was Cora.  We were in an apartment so I couldn't paint, but I did decently well.  It wasn't exactly what I wanted, but it worked.

And I didn't get a picture of it before Cora died.  So the only picture I have is months later when we stored everything we needed to move in there and just shut the door.

So I'm feeling a little bit skittish about starting another nursery.  Especially a real one with paint and everything.  So I keep putting it off.