Thursday, June 21, 2012

The hole she left

I've been watching the show Doctor Who on Netflix.  A couple days ago, I was watching the episode "The Doctor's Daughter."  The Doctor and company had ended up on a planet where they were immediately taken captive and the Doctor's hand was shoved into a machine where a tissue sample was taken, his DNA was recombined, and a woman was made from it.  One of the Doctor's companions joked with him about "daddy shock" resulting in sudden unexpected fatherhood.  He then explained to her that he had been a father before, but like his planet and race, they were gone now, casualties of the great Time War.  And then he said, "When I look at her, I see the holes they left and the pain that filled them."

I loved that line because it resonated so much.  Whenever someone makes a comment that insinuates that since I have had three healthy children since Cora's death I should somehow be "better" or that grieving somehow means I'm not grateful for those three, this explains how it feels.

Whenever I look at them, I see the hole she left and that pain that filled it.  Whenever I watch them play, hug, hold hands, or even fight, I see what is missing.

It's like seeing a ghost almost.  I can see in my mind where she would fit.  I can't help but imagine what she would do and what she would say, who she would be.

I find so much immense joy in my children.  I love every small moment with them.

But when I look at them, I see the hole she left and the pain that filled it.

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