I have tried to live my life without regret. I don't think I mean that the way most people do...most of the time I work so that I don't have anything in my past that I would regret, but when there are those things, I try to fix things, forgive myself (and others) and move on.
But then certain regrets stick around. Those usually are the ones that I couldn't change if I tried, and with what I knew at the time, made the best decision I could. The regret only comes from hindsight.
10 years ago today, I made a statement. I was so close to the end of my pregnancy. A pregnancy which totally surprised me in its misery, and I was just hanging on to the hope that once I wasn't pregnant anymore, I wouldn't be sick anymore.
"I almost don't care about the baby, I just don't want to be sick anymore."
How could I have known that in 3 mere days, I wouldn't be sick anymore. And I wouldn't have the baby either.
51 weeks a year I have forgiven myself for this. But this week? The last week of April, the last week of Cora's life. This week, it hurts. And I know no other way but to FEEL it. This week I let the wracking sobs come until I can't breathe.
I know she'll be mine forever. I know I will see her again one day. Reminding me of that doesn't help it not hurt right now.
This sucks. I hate that anyone has to be here.