Plans for next Memorial Day

Yesterday I reflected a lot on the Memorial Days of my past.  When I was younger, my mother had a garden full of bearded irises, and every Memorial Day we'd cut a bunch and take them to the cemetery.  We put some on my great-grandmother's grave, and a couple other ancestors buried in that cemetery, and then we'd go around and put them on random graves...especially if we found the grave of someone who had been in the military.

I liked putting them on children's graves.  Even then I felt a sense of profound loss for those families and wanted those babies to be remembered.

Tomorrow we're closing on a house, and this fall I plan on planting iris bulbs everywhere.  They're one of the few flowers I'm not allergic to, and I just think they're breathtaking.

Next Memorial Day I want to cut a bunch and take my kids to the cemetery.  We have no relatives buried here in Colorado, but I plan on putting them on the graves of military servicemen and some children.  Maybe the children's ones will have a small note from me.

The worst thing

I have a really hard time talking to other people sometimes.  I'm sure I've posted similar posts several times, but seems to come back to me a lot.  Especially in discussions of worst fears and worst-case scenarios.  I'm getting better at not saying anything, not increasing anxiety, but I still feel it.

My worst fear is not that I will be a bad mother, or that I won't love Allison as much as I do my others.

My worst-case scenario is not a csection (although, I have to admit, that one is 2nd).

My worst fear and worst-case scenario are the same: That this baby will die, leaving me with empty arms and a broken heart again.

I wish I could go back to that innocent ignorance where the baby dying wasn't something that ever entered into my mind.

Never thought I'd be here. (pregnancy mentioned)

I've reached an amazing emotional place in my pregnancy recently.  I can picture myself holding this little girl at the end of my pregnancy without and instant anxiety attack.  Ever since Cora died, I thought I'd be incredibly anxious all through the rest of my pregnancies.

With Erin and Patrick it was true.  Especially with Patrick since I went a week and a half past my loss point.  That 10 days was pure Hell.

And I wasn't ever able to think about delivery/birth with either of them.  Not in more than an abstract idea that I knew would eventually have to happen somehow.  I was too scared, because of all the unfulfilled daydreams I had about Cora.  I just couldn't let myself, or my mind went automatically to the "what if this one dies too" realm.

The day before yesterday I was laying on my couch with my hands on my belly as she kicked me, daydreaming about what it will be like to hold her, and what she will look like, and it was peaceful.  It surprised me.  But it's allowed me to enjoy this pregnancy in a way I've not been able to before.  With Cora I was just too physically ill to enjoy it, and I spent all my time anticipating when the pregnancy would be over.  This time, the medications are working so much better and while I'm still not feeling great, I'm not feeling as terrible as I did with Cora, so I can just enjoy having Allison here, right now.

It's such a great feeling.  And I never thought I'd ever feel this way ever.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is really bittersweet for me.  Cora's due date, May 14th, was Mother's Day that year, so whenever anyone asked when I was due, I always answered "On Mother's Day!"  I was so thrilled.  Of course that day ended up being really hard because it was just a reminder of what should have been when my loss was so fresh.

But the truth is, Cora made me a mother.  Regardless of the fact that she didn't stay for me to actually mother.  I am a mother, first and foremost because of her.  Even if I didn't have my other children, I would be a mother because of her.

So I celebrate her on Mother's Day.  I wasn't a mother before she came along, and I was after.

Butterfly release

There was one butterfly that didn't emerge until this morning, and it was exceptionally cooperative for pictures.  I felt like it was Cora's gift.  I knew there was a reason it snowed yesterday.  She wanted me to give that last one a chance.

My very very favorite picture

So, it snowed...

...so our birthday plans for Cora got modified.  It didn't stick at all, and actually warmed up a bit but not warm enough for the butterflies, so I decided to hold off on that part until tomorrow.

We had our picnic at home

 And cupcakes, which aren't weather dependent!  Erin insisted that Cora needed a candle on her cupcake.  When I said "But she's not here to blow it out!" Erin said, "Iss okay Mom.  I bwow it for her."  It has been amazing today having Erin talk so much about her sister and really being able to share Cora with her.

And what kid doesn't love a good cupcake?

5 years

Happy birthday to my Cora!  I can't believe it's been 5 years.  It feels like just yesterday, and yet an eternity at the same time.



And a cute little video of Erin talking about "Cowwa's birfday."