I've reached an amazing emotional place in my pregnancy recently. I can picture myself holding this little girl at the end of my pregnancy without and instant anxiety attack. Ever since Cora died, I thought I'd be incredibly anxious all through the rest of my pregnancies.
With Erin and Patrick it was true. Especially with Patrick since I went a week and a half past my loss point. That 10 days was pure Hell.
And I wasn't ever able to think about delivery/birth with either of them. Not in more than an abstract idea that I knew would eventually have to happen somehow. I was too scared, because of all the unfulfilled daydreams I had about Cora. I just couldn't let myself, or my mind went automatically to the "what if this one dies too" realm.
The day before yesterday I was laying on my couch with my hands on my belly as she kicked me, daydreaming about what it will be like to hold her, and what she will look like, and it was peaceful. It surprised me. But it's allowed me to enjoy this pregnancy in a way I've not been able to before. With Cora I was just too physically ill to enjoy it, and I spent all my time anticipating when the pregnancy would be over. This time, the medications are working so much better and while I'm still not feeling great, I'm not feeling as terrible as I did with Cora, so I can just enjoy having Allison here, right now.
It's such a great feeling. And I never thought I'd ever feel this way ever.