But then Erin came along and every noise she made, every movement and every look made that loss so very real.
It hasn't been that bad since. A new baby makes me miss that experience with Cora, but it's not so crushing.
However, I do have moments. And I had one of those in the car today. I went out to run an errand, just me and Allison. A time to get a moment to myself. Allison was asleep in the back, so I didn't have to really worry about her. And then this song came on the radio ("If you get there before I do" by Collin Raye). It was one I'd heard before, but not for years, but I remembered it enough to start crying halfway into the first line. By the time the chorus started, it was all out sobs:
If you get there before I doI hope she's listening.
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then til I see you again
I'll be loving you, love, me