A moment in the car

I tell people that when Erin was born, I felt like I had to start over in my grief process, because I didn't really have any idea what I was losing when Cora died.  I hadn't ever had a child, so my life didn't really change with her death.  I didn't have any experience with my own child so I didn't have any idea what it was really like.  I lost an idea.

But then Erin came along and every noise she made, every movement and every look made that loss so very real.

It hasn't been that bad since.  A new baby makes me miss that experience with Cora, but it's not so crushing.

However, I do have moments.  And I had one of those in the car today.  I went out to run an errand, just me and Allison.  A time to get a moment to myself.  Allison was asleep in the back, so I didn't have to really worry about her.  And then this song came on the radio ("If you get there before I do" by Collin Raye).  It was one I'd heard before, but not for years, but I remembered it enough to start crying halfway into the first line.  By the time the chorus started, it was all out sobs:

If you get there before I do
Don't give up on me
I'll meet you when my chores are through
I don't know how long I'll be
But I'm not gonna let you down
Darling wait and see
And between now and then til I see you again
I'll be loving you, love, me

I hope she's listening.