It's interesting how a picture can take you right back to the emotion of the moment it was taken in. I was looking at old pictures a while back, trying to find pictures of me and my youngest sister (long story). And I came across some pictures of me after Cora was born, but before I became pregnant with Erin, holding other people's babies.
I've shared this one before
Later came the blessing of that same sweet baby.
And then the baby of another friend I had been pregnant with, just another month later
The pictures totally took me back. Back to how heartwrenching it was, how unfair it was, that I had given birth first but didn't have a baby of my own to hold. To the anger that all the joy I had had at holding others' squishy babies was gone, replaced by sadness and grief. I love those little girls, I truly do. But at that point in time, I only saw not-Cora.
But at the same time, I'm surprised at my own bravery. It took a lot of courage. I didn't think it was all that impressive at the time, but looking back on it...I'm rather proud of myself.