Thursday, December 3, 2009

She cried first

I met Telima when I was 16 and my family moved to Las Vegas.  She told me once that she felt lonely in the church Young Women group, and needed a friend, and had decided I would be that friend.  It makes me smile thinking about that.  It took us a few months but soon we were best friends.

We made lots of plans about our future.  We planned on being each others' maids of honor in our weddings, and then being pregnant together and our children being best friends.

And it looked like those dreams would all come true.  We got engaged a day apart, and we got married 5 weeks apart.  We were each others' maids of honor.  So I was ecstatic when she became pregnant 2 months after I got pregnant with Cora.  And when they both turned out to be girls, it couldn't have been more perfect.

And it all fell apart in a second.

I felt so robbed, and I very much envied Telima.  Grief is a very selfish thing though, and I saw everything in reference to me.

When Telima called me to tell me that Katy was born, I was surprisingly okay at first.  Maybe I had just turned myself off, I don't know.  But then Katy woke up, and started to fuss a little, and Telima said "ooooh, shhhh baby girl."  In that moment the sheer reality of what I had lost hit me.  And not only that, but I and lost that friend that I had always done everything with.  Suddenly she was on a different plane.  She was doing something I wasn't able to do, and didn't really understand.  And it hurt so badly.

She was so sweet.  Even though Katy was crying, she wanted to stay on the phone to make sure I was okay.

So then on July 2, on Cora's 2 month birthday, we went through Utah on our way to Las Vegas and decided to stop in to visit Telima and newborn Katy.  I was terrified.  I wanted so much just to be happy for my best friend and her new little baby, but I didn't know what it would be like.  It just hurt so much.

I remember sitting on the couch, holding this teeny little baby in my arms (who was ALSO a redhead!  How adorable would that have been to have two little curly haired redheaded girls running around???).  Emotions raged in my head but I held it all in.  I just wanted to be happy for her.

And then I looked at Telima and she had tears running down her face.  As I crumpled and the tears just started flowing, I realized something: it wasn't just my loss.  I realized then just how many other people it had affected.  Yes, Telima still had her daughter, but she had also had those dreams that we had shared of our daughters being best friends torn from her.

I know she doesn't think about it as often as I do.  I know she doesn't feel that gaping hole that I do.  But I do know that she occasionally wonders what it would have been like, and it's good to know I'm not alone in that.


  1. Brittanie,
    How awesome that you could go see her. I just dealt with a similar situation over the holiday...only I backed out and didn't go. She understood and now I wish I would have...What courage you have and how true it is that grief is so selfish!

  2. I m just crying reading this. You have an amazing friend. I too was pregnant with one of my best friends & due only days apart. I know how much that took to go there & hold that baby. You are a great friend as well.

  3. Oh hon. This seriously was incredibly to read. What a beautiful friend you have.

    The picture just melted my heart and brought tears to my eyes.

  4. Brittanie, I don't even know how to describe what I'm feeling right now. I admit, I've been avoiding reading this blog, because I cry every time I do and so I ran away from it. I don't know why, but today I felt like I needed to read it. I was taken completely by surprise by this post. Tears poured down my face. I can't express how much your loss affected me. But as much as it hurts for me, I know you hurt a hundred, a thousand, a million times more than I do. I love you so much and I'm sorry that this is something you've had to go through. I wish Cora and Katy could have been friends in this life, but I have no doubt that they were friends before coming to earth and that they will be eternal friends. How can they not be when their mothers are already? Thank you for sharing your thoughts about Cora. She is beautiful and she becomes more real and personal to me as I read your words. I miss the "niece" I never had a chance to know.