Sunday, February 14, 2010

Existing vs living

Sometimes it's hard to tell when you're just existing and when you're really living your life.  The last few days have been a fog.  I've been dealing with chronic headaches lately, which likely have several causes all piled on top of each other.  Needless to say this makes me very tired and I've just been existing.  I take care of whom I need to take care of, but nothing that doesn't absolutely need doing gets done.

At times like this I find myself dwelling on what my life should be like. I found myself getting angrier and angrier that Cora isn't here.

I'm not really sure what happened but I realized what I was doing today.  No, Cora's not here.  That sucks.  A lot.  But her siblings are here and I am so very blessed to have them.  I'm so grateful for them.  They give me something to not only exist for, but to really live for.

I fully understand that so many things could have happened differently since Cora's death.  So many things could have continued to go wrong.  But I got pregnant easily twice more, and while I was very very sick, there were no other complications with either of them.  There have been no major illnesses or injuries.

So I'm going to try to be more thankful for the life I do and less angry for the life I "should" have.  I'm going to try to live my life, fully engaged.

And who knows, maybe that'll help lessen the headaches a little.

1 comment:

  1. This is exactly what I find myself doing too. Just existing and not really living. I hate it but sometimes it's so difficult to even want to live. But I have to remind myself that I have an amazing daughter and husband that need me and another little miracle on the way. I can't go into that dark place and leave them alone.