Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The easiest for me

I've thought a lot over the past 4 years, 3 months, 1 week and 1 day over how Cora's death could have played out differently.  I truly believe that it happened in such a way to be easiest for me.

I lost her at a time in my pregnancy when I felt like I had gotten to know her a little.  I knew her gender, I had called her by name for months.  I got to hold her, see her face, take pictures.  I feel confident in my religious beliefs regarding her.  If  I had miscarried early, she wouldn't have a name, I wouldn't have known her gender, and I'm not sure I would know regarding spiritual things.

And while I will never say that I believe it would have been harder for me to lose her after she'd lived a few years, because she died before birth I cannot convince myself it's my fault.  I have that mommy guilt anyway, but I can truly, honestly, tell myself that it was not my fault that she died.  I don't know that I would have been able to do that if she'd died in another way.  ((I do want to say here, that I do NOT think that other women who have lost children in accidents are at fault, but I don't think I would be able to tell myself I wasn't.))

So in all the scenarios that I have played out in my head, ways that it could have happened differently, I do think that this way was the easiest for me.  And I'm grateful for that tender mercy.

Is that weird?

1 comment:

  1. It's absolutely NOT weird... I say thankful prayers all the time that I miscarried at only six weeks. I didn't have attachment yet. I didn't even feel pregnant. I'm really glad that if it had to happen, it happened when it did. I still wish it didn't have to happen, but I know why it did, and I'm okay with it. I'll have another chance for that baby to be here. Next time, it will work.

    But no, you're not weird.