Monday, August 16, 2010

Not sure what to call this anniversary

5 years ago today...Cora was conceived.  Well, most likely anyway.  I wasn't as good at pinpointing ovulation days back then.  5 years ago today her life began.  I became sick almost immediately.  She made herself known very early and with a vengeance.  I don't remember what day I got my bfp with her.  I never wrote it down.  I never took a picture of the test.  There are so many things I regret not doing, that wouldn't be important if she were here with me today.

I do remember how in awe I felt, though.  I got pregnant our first cycle off birth control.  The getting pregnant part was so easy.  I'd only been sexually active for a couple of months (since my wedding on June 17th), and still didn't really know what I was doing in that department.  I had really no idea what was going on.  She just happened.

My life changed the day I saw that blue plus sign.  I changed.  I became a mother.  It was a shift in my perspective, a shift in how I saw myself and the world around me.  It was a relegation of what I wanted to the back seat in favor of what the baby needed.  I learned what it meant to suffer physically in behalf of another person, something I had never comprehended before.

That part of me that was born that day is hers.  Her death also wrought many changes in me, but her conception changed me first.  And all of those changes were for the better.  Cora gave me the confidence to know that I really did want to be a mother, that I could be a good one, and that I could truly love a child the way a child should be loved.

And I do love her.  So very much.

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