Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Maternal guilt

Why do we do this to ourselves?  This is something I feel often and have come to realize is very common with other babyloss mamas.  We were supposed to protect our babies and we failed.  Regardless of all the circumstances beyond our control, we feel that.  It's not my fault.  I wanted her and I loved her so much.  I would have done anything.  But that didn't matter.

I feel so guilty that I was so miserable during my pregnancy.  So guilty that I didn't enjoy her more while she was here.  I was so focused on just not being pregnant anymore that I didn't appreciate what I had when I had it.  The Saturday before she died (she died Sunday night) a few friends of mine threw me a surprise baby shower.  One friend asked how I was feeling, and I answered "I almost don't care about the baby, I just don't want to be pregnant anymore."

3 days later I wasn't pregnant anymore.

This haunts me.  I remind myself that OF COURSE I cared about my baby, OF COURSE I wanted more than anything for her to come home with me.  But I still said it.  It still hurts.  I can hear myself saying that over and over in the back of my mind.

I wish more than anything I hadn't said it.  Not because I think things would have been different if I hadn't, but because I wouldn't have this monumental knot of guilt that I carry around with me to add to the grief.  I would have stayed pregnant for another 100 years if it meant I could have brought her home with me.  But I was so sick, and my moment of weakness came out.

I hope she knows how very much I loved her.  How even though I was so physically miserable I was so ecstatic to be her mother.  She brought me so much happiness in her short time, and I really wish I had dwelt on that instead of how physically uncomfortable I was.


  1. I believe that she knows what you meant by that and that all that truly matters is how much you love each other. I wish I could give you a big hug. I am sending you one in my prayers. HUGS.

  2. I also beleives she knows that you didn't mean it, we all say things. I carry the guilt of wanting a baby girl so bad and being dissapointed it was a boy...I was also VERY sick during my pregnancy and kept saying that I couldn't wait 'til he came. Now like you, I would have carried him forever if it would have meant he would have lived, no matter how miserable I was....

  3. I SO hear you... But don't beat yourself up, please. I know how it feels to carry around that knot in your gut (ha, mine is gigantic), but I am sure Cora knew how much you loved and cared for her. I puked the whole pregnancy straight and wished it to be over, too. Many times.

    But we loved and wanted our kids no matter what. We would do it all over to have them back in a splitsecond.