I feel so guilty that I was so miserable during my pregnancy. So guilty that I didn't enjoy her more while she was here. I was so focused on just not being pregnant anymore that I didn't appreciate what I had when I had it. The Saturday before she died (she died Sunday night) a few friends of mine threw me a surprise baby shower. One friend asked how I was feeling, and I answered "I almost don't care about the baby, I just don't want to be pregnant anymore."
3 days later I wasn't pregnant anymore.
This haunts me. I remind myself that OF COURSE I cared about my baby, OF COURSE I wanted more than anything for her to come home with me. But I still said it. It still hurts. I can hear myself saying that over and over in the back of my mind.
I wish more than anything I hadn't said it. Not because I think things would have been different if I hadn't, but because I wouldn't have this monumental knot of guilt that I carry around with me to add to the grief. I would have stayed pregnant for another 100 years if it meant I could have brought her home with me. But I was so sick, and my moment of weakness came out.
I hope she knows how very much I loved her. How even though I was so physically miserable I was so ecstatic to be her mother. She brought me so much happiness in her short time, and I really wish I had dwelt on that instead of how physically uncomfortable I was.