Secret Garden

Where are you at in your grief?  Has it been years or just weeks since you lost your baby? How are you feeling?  How do you hope you will feel in the future? Have you found any peace at all?


It's been 3 1/2 years since I lost my Cora.  I've had two healthy babies since.  So where am I at?  I'm at the point where everyone thinks that I should be "done" grieving.  I get people saying "But you've had two healthy babies since right?  You should focus on them and be grateful for them."


But I can't just forget that she is my baby.  And her siblings don't replace her.


This holiday season has already been harder than I expected.  It's my fourth without Cora, you'd think I'd be used to it by now.  But Erin is now getting in to the holidays, she is starting to know what's going on, and it's been hitting me so hard that Cora would be a year older.  This year she would have been able to choose what she wanted to dress up as.  She would have understood what trick-or-treating really was.  This year, she'd be asking for things for Christmas.  She'd be excited about Santa.  This year I'm grieving for being able to share the holidays with her rather than "doing them to her."


I do believe I have found peace in it.  I still miss her so very much, but it's not the stabbing, knifing, take-your-breath-away kind most of the time.  I know I will get to see her again, and most of the time I feel like I can wait.


The only thing I hope for the future is that she won't be forgotten.