Friday, December 11, 2009

heart crushing

I was watching the latest episode of Bones on today.  It's the Christmas episode.  Earlier in the episode, Dr. Brennan is told that when you are alone on Christmas it means that nobody loves you.

Later, she and Agent Booth are discussing the man that died, how it was only him and his mother, and she was burying him on Christmas morning, by herself.

Brennan said, "Isn't that heartbreaking?"
Booth said, "When I say that, you tell me that the heart is a muscle and therefore can't be broken, it can only be crushed."
So then she said "Fine, then, isn't that heart crushing?"

I love that phrase.  It just fits so well.  My heart was crushed and in a way still is.  I miss my little girl so much.  I don't know what it is about Christmas but it is still hard.  Don't get me wrong I love Erin and Patrick and I am so excited to get to teach them why I love Christmas and why we celebrate and to pass on traditions.

But then I look at the unused stocking on the wall.  The one that gets filled with a gift for the family and a letter to a baby I can't hold.  It should have candy and toys.

I know I'll get to hold her again someday and I am looking forward to that day SO MUCH.  But here and now, my arms still ache.  They are so full, but they still ache.

The human heart is a resilient thing.  Nothing else can keep working like it does after being so thoroughly crushed.


  1. I watched Bones last night too and cried when Booth and Bones were talking about the heart...This Christmas is definately going to be hard!

  2. Thank you for saying what is in my heart. Merry Christmas.

  3. It amazes me how we can continue on.

    "The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering." -Ben Okri