Grateful

I would have loved to have seen her smile.  Just once.  That smile that babies give their mommy and only their mommy.  I'm sure it would have looked pretty much exactly like her siblings', because they all three are basically identical.  But I wanted so much to see hers.

I would have been such a different person if she hadn't died.  Sometimes I miss that person I was, but I think most of the changes are good ones.  I'm starting to understand that.  I'm starting to see the person God is making me into through this.

But that doesn't make me miss Cora any less.  I don't think I'll ever be one of those "grateful for my trials" people.  I can accept it though.  I can look back on it and understand the necessity, in the plan of her eternal existence, and in mine.  I am grateful for the positive aspects of my character that were born when she died.  I am grateful for the fact that Cora made me a mother.  She was the one who made that change in me.  I was already a mother when Erin and Patrick came along because of Cora.

She taught me how to love above and beyond myself, to sacrifice nearly everything for another person.  The only thing I did not sacrifice for Cora is my own life, which I would have gladly had I been asked.  There would have been no question.  She taught me that I have that in myself.

But I miss her.  And I will always miss her.  I will always ache for her.  But today I am not angry about it.  Today I am at peace.  And I'm grateful for that.