Grieving the innocence

I still post on the Trying to Conceive After Loss and Pregnancy After Loss forums I posted on while TTC and when pregnant with Erin and Patrick.  I feel that I fit in better there than I do with women who are doing either without ever having a loss.

But most of the women have had first trimester miscarriages and sometimes the differences between ttc/being pregnant after a miscarriage and after a stillbirth rear their ugly heads.  Today a lady posted about her new pregnancy.  She's nervous, as all of us are pregnant after a loss.  She posted today about hormone levels and for the first time hers are rising like they should.

So she said "It looks like we might actually get to take this one home."



The only times I've ever felt like that since Cora died was while I was in labor with Erin and Patrick.  And even then, with Patrick there were a few moments when I thought we might not be taking him home.

I hate that I have no safety in pregnancy.  There is no point in pregnancy when I am confident and unafraid.

I wish I had that back.  I've accepted that I won't get Cora back....but I wish that I could have that back.

Tangled

Matt and I went with Erin and Patrick to see the movie Tangled.  It's a family tradition that I've wanted to continue with my kids to go to the theater to see a movie on the day after Thanksgiving and the day after Christmas.  We couldn't go yesterday because we were traveling so we went today. 

I thought I knew what to expect.  I know the story of Rapunzel.  Only there were a couple moments that were really emotional for me that I wasn't really expecting.  You see, Rapunzel was kidnapped as a baby.  And every year on Rapunzel's birthday, the king and queen let off thousands of floating lanterns for their lost daughter.  In memory and in hope that one day they'd see her again.  There's a moment between the king and the queen, as they are getting ready to let go the first lantern.  The queen, looking heartbroken and tired, looks up at her husband, and he can't look at her.  He's got tears in his eyes and you can just see the pain in his face.  And I started crying.

I know that pain.  Of course, it's a little different since Cora died, and Rapunzel was kidnapped, so I don't really have the hope of her returning to me in this life. But in that moment, right then, it brought it all back.  The missing my daughter.  The grief that all you can do to parent your child is this small symbolic act. 

Erin wiped my tears and told me it was okay, and I did my best to regain my composure.  The movie went on to the climax, and I got back into it.

And then, at the end, Rapunzel returned to her parents.  This was actually a harder moment for me, and I cried harder.

Afterward, as we were leaving the theater, I guess I was really quiet because Matt asked me what I was thinking.  I think he knew.  He knows how I react to things like that.  Anyway, I shrugged and tears came to my eyes again, and the only thing I could answer was "They got their daughter back."

I believe in an afterlife.  I believe I will one day have a reunion just like that, with all the joy and the relief, when I just get to hold her close and never have to let go.  But it won't ever happen in this life.  While I am alive, I will not get that.

And I can not describe just how much that hurts.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is always fairly poignant for me.  Cora's name means "Heart full of gratitude."  So every time I think about being grateful I think about her.

I'm so grateful for her.  I'm so grateful for the person and mother she turned me into. While I've forgotten what it felt like to have her in my arms, or what she smelled like, I will never forget how I felt when I found out I was pregnant, or saw her on the ultrasounds screen.  Or even when I found out she had died.  I think the pain I felt in that moment - the worst emotional pain I've ever felt - is a testament to just how much I loved and love her.  I was afraid I wouldn't be capable of loving a child how a mother should love a child, but she proved to me that my capacity to love is far greater than I ever expected.


Happy Thanksgiving darling girl.  I miss you more than words can say.  But I am forever grateful that I got the chance to be your mom, and that I will again someday.  I love you and always will.

Christmas cards

I made Christmas cards this year.  I thought I'd give it a try.

Inside I'm putting a quote from the Polar Express, and our names.  I didn't include Cora.  Why?  The card is from those living at home.  When my kids get older and move away I will no longer put their names on the cards either.  Cora is not living at home.  It still kind makes me sad though. Not that she's not on the card.  But that she's not living at home.  Oh it hurts.

We're going to get a picture of our family to put in them, and I plan on having Erin hold Cora's panda bear that wears her name bracelet.  So she'll be in the pictures somehow.

But I did put Cora on my ornament this year.

It's our family, and Cora is still part of our family.  Even if she's not living at home.

Name snowflakes

One of my favorite winter traditions is the name snowflake.  When I was a child, my siblings and I were cutting paper snowflakes with my dad.  He announced that he was bored, and got out a pencil and xacto knife.  We didn't now what he was doing until he was done, but he had written his name on the folded, but uncut, snowflake and cut it out.  The pattern was beautiful, and soon we were all doing it (of course, he didn't let us all use the xacto knife, lol).

So, to all my angel mommy friends: If you would like me to cut a snowflake of your angel's name(s), please let me know in a comment. I can't promise to send them to you, but I will get you as good a picture as I can.  I'm also going to hang them up on my windows (if I don't send them to you).


Love and hugs to you all.

The closest I'll get.

I really wish I could have a picture of all my children together.  It breaks my heart to see family photos that are incomplete.  I hate having this invisible hole in my family.

This is the closest I'll get

It was taken on Cora's birthday last year.  The puppy was one we bought for her, and it had a code to name a star after her.  It was also wearing her name bracelet around its paw.

I really wish that it could have been her in that picture. *sigh*

Cora spoke to me today

I was driving around town today, grocery shopping.  I usually go to 3 or 4 different stores and it take several hours, and we spend a bit of time in the car.  And I usually have the radio on.  Well, a song came on, and unlike most Cora songs, it seemed that she was speaking to me rather than me to her.


Wherever You Will Go (The Calling)


So lately, I've been wonderin 
Who will be there to take my place. 
When I'm gone, you'll need love 
To light the shadows on your face. 
If a great wave should fall 
It would fall upon us all, 
And between the sand and stone, 
Could you make it on your own? 

[Chorus:] 
If I could, then I would 
I'll go wherever you will go 
Way up high or down low 
I'll go wherever you will go 

And maybe, I'll find out 
The way to make it back someday, 
To watch you, to guide you 
Through the darkest of your days. 
If a great wave should fall 
It would fall upon us all. 
Well I hope there's someone out there 
Who can bring me back to you. 

[Chorus] 

Runaway with my heart 
Runaway with my hope 
Runaway with my love 

I know now, just quite how 
My life and love might still go on. 
In your heart and your mind 
I'll stay with you for all of time. 

[Chorus] 

If I could turn back time 
I'll go wherever you will go 
If I could make you mine 
I'll go wherever you will go 

Bittersweet anniversary.

November 2, 2006 was Cora's half birthday.  She would have been a whole 6 months old.  Now, looking back on it 2 babies later, I can identify the things she should have been doing at the time.  On that day, however, I had no idea.  I really didn't know what a baby's developmental milestones at 6 months should be.  It was a hard day, because I knew I had missed out on so much.

But it was a sweet day too.  That day I had my first ultrasound with Erin.  I entered my OB's office in a near panic.  I had to struggle to maintain even breathing.  It was the first ultrasound I had since that last one with Cora.  That last one where the doctor said there was no heartbeat. And I was so terrified that they would tell me that there was no heartbeat again.

Walking into that office, I was so sure that all I would ever have is bad news.  I couldn't honestly believe I'd ever bring a baby home.

But we did see a heart beat and for the first time since Cora died I truly felt hope.  I was terrified until the moment Erin was born, of course, but that day I felt hope.

I am so grateful for the hope my rainbows brought back to my life, and for my Cora who taught me to appreciate it.