Monday, November 29, 2010

Grieving the innocence

I still post on the Trying to Conceive After Loss and Pregnancy After Loss forums I posted on while TTC and when pregnant with Erin and Patrick.  I feel that I fit in better there than I do with women who are doing either without ever having a loss.

But most of the women have had first trimester miscarriages and sometimes the differences between ttc/being pregnant after a miscarriage and after a stillbirth rear their ugly heads.  Today a lady posted about her new pregnancy.  She's nervous, as all of us are pregnant after a loss.  She posted today about hormone levels and for the first time hers are rising like they should.

So she said "It looks like we might actually get to take this one home."

The only times I've ever felt like that since Cora died was while I was in labor with Erin and Patrick.  And even then, with Patrick there were a few moments when I thought we might not be taking him home.

I hate that I have no safety in pregnancy.  There is no point in pregnancy when I am confident and unafraid.

I wish I had that back.  I've accepted that I won't get Cora back....but I wish that I could have that back.


  1. I know EXACTLY what you mean!

    It freaks me out when women see a heartbeat and automatically assume they're bringing the baby home. Of course I wish that for every woman who conceives, because I never want another woman to feel the pain of losing a child, but at the same time, it's bizarre to me because I *COULD NEVER* be that comfortable....

  2. I'm late in reading this, but I wanted you to know that I really do understand what you are saying. It's not fair! I didn't believe Max was coming home with me until he was on my chest. The crib and changing table were set up and every time I looked at them, I got so fearful and sad thinking that I would have to take them down and that all the money would be wasted.