Friday, January 21, 2011

Am I "stuck?"

The past couple of weeks I've had a couple people approach me out of love and concern.  They are worried that I'm "stuck" in my grief, and that maybe I should look into professional counseling.  I've been thinking about it, and I'm frustrated.

Yes, I talk about Cora.  Frequently.  It's the only way she's a part of my life.  If I don't talk about her, she's gone.

Is it my sole focus?  No.  My main focus is my living children, who need me. ((actually, my main focus lately has been not throwing up, but that's another story)).  I play with them, I teach them, I change them, I feed them, I love on them.  But yes, Cora comes up when I talk to these trusted people.  I don't have to always talk about Erin and Patrick, because...well...they're there, wanting to talk to them and show them their toys.

Now, I have been a little depressed lately, but I really don't think that has anything to do with Cora.  That has everything to do with not being able to play out side, and throwing up everything I eat.

So I'm frustrated.  I hate feeling like I'm not safe talking about Cora with people anymore.


  1. Oh Brittanie. I don't think you are 'stuck' at all. If you were you wouldn't be able to enjoy your living children and help others like you have. People who think other's are 'stuck' in grief are those who've never lost someone very close (like husband/wife/children)

    Counseling is hard to find a good one, if you can at all. A lot of people who go into counseling have no lost a child. When I went to a counselor to talk he wouldn't even let me talk about my grief. He focused on everything else.

    I think you are doing wonderful. I see a strong lady in y ou

  2. I think you should ignore them and tell them until you have been through what I have been through, then you can tell me I am stuck.

    You are right, this is the only way to remember and make our babies feel real and remember them daily. Just because we cry or miss them doesn't mean we are depressed.

  3. There are a couple of angel moms who I feel are "stuck". They seem so focused on their grief they aren't focused on life or their living children.

    You are not one of them, not even close. But people who haven't been there have no clue. They know hearing about baby loss makes them uncomfortable. They said their "I'm Sorries" and they are ready for it to all go away now. so naturally they think you should be too. But it never goes away for us, why would it?

  4. I struggle saying what I want in written form so here is another angel mom's perspective that I think fits and helps me

  5. I know that I have felt 'stuck' at times, I know that other people have accused me of being 'stuck' too. It's horrible as I feel as though I can't mention her at all when I feel that she is more than her death. She was my daughter and her own little person and I actually like talking about her. Avoiding the subject would make me feel as though I was denying her existence.

    As you say, my focus is my living child but I don't NEED to talk about her or write about her on my blog. She's right there for all to see, living her life. And her sister isn't.

    Not being able to get outside and throwing up constantly are enough to lower anyone's mood. I don't think it means you are depressed, you just want to talk about one of your children. How could that be wrong? I'm sorry that you don't feel safe talking about Cora anymore. xo

  6. I nominated you for a blog award!

  7. You're always safe with me. You know that. Our culture doesn't do grief. Death is just not something people are comfortable with. Now, when it comes to counseling... I went through grief counseling with someone who didn't know me, and ended up on an anti-psychotic. Which I didn't need. My regular practitioner found out, yanked me off of it and gave the prescribing PNP (psychiatric nurse practitioner) an earfull. Moral of the story? Not every "counselor" is a good one.

    That being said, there are many amazing therapists out there who can indeed help grieving parents grieve effectively. But it is your choice, and yours alone whether or not you want to access that resource. Don't let the opinions of other people be the sole reason that you seek out a therapist.

    And remember, I'm here. :-)