It affects everything. (pregnancy mentioned, sort of)

Sometimes it becomes really obvious just how much Cora's death has affected my life.  But on days like today, it's REALLY obvious.  I belong to a Due Date Club on Justmommies.com forums.  And I stick out.  My perspective is totally different.

~When discussing birthing preferences, I need to be in the bed hooked up to the heartbeat monitors.  Why?  Because without it I start flashing back to the delivery without it.  When there was no heartbeat to hear.  I need the comfort of the sound, to reassure myself that things are different.  I'm also going to be induced early because of that same anxiety.  Labor and Delivery are an incredibly stressful time for me.

~When discussing baby showers...well, I'm not expecting to have one, as I've already got a girl and a boy.  But Erin's and Patrick's were both after they were born.  I have an incredibly hard time with sitting there and everyone saying "when the baby comes" while my mind is screaming if.  Cora's was 2 days before she died.

~When discussing nurseries...well...Cora's was the only one I have ever had.  With both Erin and Patrick we've lived in places where there wasn't a separate space for a nursery.  We will be moving in June into a bigger place.  We're not sure of details yet, but it'll be at least 3 bedrooms so the baby can have a separate room.  Which means a nursery.  But I can't even get my mind to start thinking about decorating a nursery.  

~When discussing finding out the gender...I have to.  I have to.  It's an emotional imperative.  I got to get to know Cora before she died.  I can't imagine not knowing who she was until after she died.  The same thing goes for names.  I hear people saying "we'll decide on a name when we see the baby and see what fits."  I got to call Cora by name.  It made her a person, and I have memories specific to her and not to "a baby."  I've tried to get names decided on as soon as possible after finding out the gender for that very reason.

~Some of the girls are discussing the 12 week mark, and "being safe" and it drives me crazy.  Cora died 12 days before her due date.  12 days.  I just want to scream sometimes.  There IS no safe point.  But I also don't want to say that all the time because I don't want to be a downer.  I envy their innocence and I don't want to destroy it any more than my presence and Cora's picture in my signature already do.

I wish I could go back to those days sometimes, when things were "safe" and I could just expect everything to go right.