Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Feeling sentimental.

This picture was taken April 2, 2006.  It is the last picture I have of me pregnant with Cora.
There is just a little over a month until Cora's 4th birthday.  April is hard.  I feel like I'm slipping inexorably down into a hole.  I'm standing on a beach, watching a tsunami come and there's no way I can get away from it.  April was the last month of my sweet baby girl's life.

Four years.  Four whole years.  And yet it seems like yesterday.  There are moments of memory that are so very  crystal clear.  But the parts that I really want to remember are the ones that are fuzzy, the ones that time has blurred.

I don't remember how it felt to have her kick, not really.  I don't remember how it felt to hold her little body in my arms.  I don't remember how she smelled.  I remember the emotions though.  I remember reclining in a bathtub, just a few weeks before she was born, because my back hurt so very badly.  I was watching my belly move and she kicked and rolled.  To this day I have no idea whether she liked or disliked the warm water of baths and showers on my belly, but either way it always made her really active.  This particular day I sat there until I was incredibly pruny and the water was rather cold, because I was so in awe of the fact that I had a person inside me, and that person was moving around, kicking my hands when I gently poked at her.

Though this pregnancy story doesn't have a happy ending, I wouldn't trade it for anything.  Having her and losing her is so much better than never having her at all.  I treasure those small snapshots I have of my life with her.  Even if I was so incredibly miserably sick that most of my pregnancy memories include vomit in some way, I was happy.  Cora taught me that joy.  Her death taught me the appreciation of every joyful moment.

So today, yes, I miss her, but I am remembering her with a smile.


  1. Oh Brttanie... Reading this made me cry. We are so blessed to have the knowledge that we will see our loved ones again and that you will get the chance to be with Cora. She is so lucky to have a mommy that loves her so much.
    I don't know if you know this but Shilo, my oldest sister, had a still born baby. My angel niece, Shaylee, died the day she was due. I was only 11ish when it happened but I still think of her everyday and miss her so much. God knew what he was doing though. Without the passing of Shaylee we would have never known that Shilo had problems with her Placenta. So because of Shaylee, Shilo has 3 more beautiful, healthy kids. Infact my nephew, Gunner, tells people all the time that his sister is the reason he is here today.
    I miss Shaylee and I can't wait to see her again. I just always remember.... She was born still to us but alive to God. :)

  2. Hi Brittanie, I hope oneday I can also say these words as you did here.I hope I can also remember my little boy with simile i.o tears on my cheeks.Your words here encouraged me a lot, thanks for that.
    Big hugs and God bless you and your little girl Cora..It is a beautiful name:))