Many times over the course of the past nearly-five-years in baby loss communities, I've heard several times women ashamed to admit that they'd rather have lost their husband than their child. It has always made me wonder about the differences between their marital relationship, and mine.
I truly believe that the reason I survived Cora's death is because I had Matt. I had him to lean on and support, to comfort and be comforted by, someone to experience my grief with. I was not and am not alone. If Matt died....who would I turn to? I'd be utterly alone. As much as I fear having another child die, I know that with him I could survive it. I don't think I'd do so well if he died.
Being alone is my greatest fear. It was my fear before I met Matt and got married (I was terrified I never would and I'd be alone forever), and since becoming engaged have had occasional nightmares of him dying. It's actually my most common nightmare.
So while I need my children....I can't survive without my husband.