I read through some of the posts here, and I don't want people to get the impression that I'm "stuck" or that I don't appreciate the two beautiful living children I have. I have a blog for them, where their antics and such are recorded. The subtitle for that blog is "trying to find a miracle in each new day." Cora is the reason for that.
Every day I go about my life as the mommy of 2. Erin's nearly 3 and potty training and still in terrible twos and all that entails. She frustrates me as often as not. Patrick's just about 15 months and learning to talk.
And I appreciate them so much more because I know what it's like to not have them. Every day the grief for the would-bes and maybes makes me appreciate all that her siblings are right now.
Last night Patrick woke up at 3 and had a hard time getting back to sleep. I was tired and therefore I was frustrated. I caught sight of Cora's shelf on the wall in the dim light of the computer screen and I changed my attitude.
Cora's death has colored my parenting of her siblings in ways I didn't expect. Some for good, like last night, and some for not-so-good. I have an incredibly hard time being away from my children. Maybe I would have always been a needy mom, but I know I am more so because of the trauma of Cora's stillbirth. In a way I feel like if I can hold them closer I'm holding her too.