Thursday, May 13, 2010

Moving forward

I read through some of the posts here, and I don't want people to get the impression that I'm "stuck" or that I don't appreciate the two beautiful living children I have.  I have a blog for them, where their antics and such are recorded.  The subtitle for that blog is "trying to find a miracle in each new day."  Cora is the reason for that.

Every day I go about my life as the mommy of 2.  Erin's nearly 3 and potty training and still in terrible twos and all that entails.  She frustrates me as often as not.  Patrick's just about 15 months and learning to talk.

And I appreciate them so much more because I know what it's like to not have them.  Every day the grief for the would-bes and maybes makes me appreciate all that her siblings are right now.

Last night Patrick woke up at 3 and had a hard time getting back to sleep.  I was tired and therefore I was frustrated.  I caught sight of Cora's shelf on the wall in the dim light of the computer screen and I changed my attitude.
I never got a sleepless night with Cora, so I should appreciate the sleepless nights I have with her brother.  We were up for 40 minutes (and it took me at least half an hour to forty minutes afterward to fall asleep again).  I spent 40 minutes snuggling with my baby boy in behalf of his big sister.

Cora's death has colored my parenting of her siblings in ways I didn't expect.  Some for good, like last night, and some for not-so-good.  I have an incredibly hard time being away from my children.  Maybe I would have always been a needy mom, but I know I am more so because of the trauma of Cora's stillbirth.  In a way I feel like if I can hold them closer I'm holding her too.

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