Thursday, June 3, 2010

Meet you at the sunset


Some people say men and women grieve differently. Others say that we as a human race grieve differently to each other. Some people believe that we all grieve the same just at different stages of time.
If you have a partner how has this grieving process been for you both? Do you differ much in how you live with grief? Has it torn you apart or brought you closer together? Have you learned anything about your partner that you did not know beforehand?

At first, the grief was different than it is now, 4 years after the fact.  At first everything was so intense, we were both in shock.  I think Matt's main concern was my wellbeing, however.  I had a history of severe depressions, so he was worried I'd go off the deep end I think.

I have some very vivid memories of him expressing his grief.  One night, about a week after Cora was stillborn, I held him as he sobbed on my shoulder.  He confessed to me all the trivial things that were the reason we were being "punished," that made it his fault.  It was proof that he felt guilty, just as I did.  I, the mother, who was connected, who felt her, who should have known something was wrong.  His reasons were completely ridiculous, and I was able to wholeheartedly tell him so, but it made me realize that my grief wasn't mine alone.  That it was shared.

But he's very quiet about his grief most of the time, especially now.  He doesn't like to "advertise" it, as he says.  I need to talk about her, to remind the world that I am her mother, too.  I mean, when I walk through the store, everyone can see Cora's sister and brother.  It's very obvious to the world that I am their mother.  I don't need to vocalize it to prove it.  But they don't see Cora, and I need to be Cora's mother, too.

He allows me my remembrances.  He respects them.  So I try to respect his need to keep his grief quiet, most of the time.  He says he "just doesn't think about it."

Part of me wishes I had that talent.  Part of me wishes I could turn the hurt off.  But then again, I like to think about my Cora.  And missing her proves to me that I still love her, and that's something I would never wish away.

As to how it has affected our relationship...well...he once said to me "we survived the death of our child, we can survive anything."


  1. I think most guys grieve in private. women and men do grieve differently but I think the loss is the same. I check your blogs often and my heart feels your loss. I think it's great for you to talk about your little girl because no matter what she is a part of you then now and forever.

  2. You always write what I am thinking. Very good post.