Today I watched the first episode of Losing It With Jillian. There a heartbreaking moment when Jillian is talking to the mother about her weight history. She said she'd always been 10 or 15 pounds overweight, but it really started coming on with the death of her son, 22 years previous. Her little boy lived for month and a day on a respirator. It just broke my heart. She explained to Jillian that whenever she tried to talk about her grief and her little boy with her husband he answered "I just can't." She expressed how very alone she felt, like she alone had gone through the ordeal of his death, and that now it was as if he had never existed.
There was a really touching moment, when the mother sat her family down together and "introduced" Jillian to the little boy she had lost. It was so hard to see her husband break down as if it was the day that little Jimmy died. Jillian asked him why he felt he couldn't talk about it, and he said "It just kills me."
To which she said "It's killing you either way, whether you talk about it or not."
We live in a culture that doesn't deal well with grief. From just about every direction there are messages to "get over it," especially if it is a baby that has died, especially if the baby died before birth.
But hiding those emotions, never letting them out, is like a cancer, and it soon consumes you.
That is why I have this blog. Because I need to talk about Cora, and about how I feel.
At the store today Erin asked me if she could have a baby sister. There was a woman walking nearby who had a little girl and a teeny baby, and we were talking about that little girl's baby sister. I explained to her that she does have a sister, her name is Cora, and she lives with Jesus. Erin repeated "Cowwa, sistoh," and seemed to accept my answer. There was another shopper nearby, who glanced over at me when I said "lives with Jesus." She was older. I didn't meet her eyes, I didn't want to see the pity there. But now I wish I had, because what if she had been another angel mom?
Erin and I talk about Cora a lot, actually. She's been very interested in sisters lately. It hurts me so much that she doesn't have her sister here to play with.