Monday, October 11, 2010

Different but not worse

First off, I recently started going to the chiropractor (my first eval was 3 weeks ago, then last week started 3x a week visits...I'm pretty messed up). Anyway, I found this office because they had a tent outside Walmart one evening offering the first evaluation and adjustment for free.  Turns out that I love this office.  Dr. Judd is such a sweet and compassionate, good natured man.

Anyway, as with my dentist, I sort of felt that it was important for him to understand that I've had 3 full-term pregnancies because that has definitely had an impact on the condition of my body.  But since they have a playroom in their office and I bring my children in with me, it's obvious that I only have 2 children.  So I had to explain what happened with Cora.

We talked a little bit about his experience with his wife miscarrying at around 8 weeks or so, and then he said to me "But it must have been different for you."

I can't explain how much I appreciate him using the word "different."  So many people who have experienced earlier miscarriages tell me that my experience "must be worse."  I don't know, maybe it makes them feel better. If so, fine.  But it doesn't make me feel better.  If mine is "worse" then that means someone whose child died at a year hurts "worse" than me.  And I truly don't think that those people are any more devastated than I was.  Than I am.

Yes, it's different.  I felt her move.  I was past the "danger" zone.  We knew her gender and had her name picked out.  We had her nursery ready.  I went through 8 hours of labor and delivery, and held her lifeless body in my arms.  Then I gave her body to a man in a black suit, who took what was left of Cora on this earth away and shut the door behind him.

It's different.

But a person whose baby dies earlier didn't lose less of a their future because of that.  Just like a person whose child dies at a year old doesn't lose more of their future than I did.

There weren't fewer dreams that just got shattered.  Just more specific ones.


  1. Good way to put the right words. I appreciate your insight as always right on.

  2. Thank you so much for this post. I agree, we can't compare on the level of better/worse. Different is the right word. I've had two miscarriages, and I feel different from a woman whose baby died at full term. But I wouldn't say one of us feels worse. Because you are right, comparisons are diminishing, no matter who is said to feel "worse".