Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Panic attacks

I used to deal with extreme anxiety.  There was a period of time in my life, my freshman year of college, that I had chronic nightmares and panic attacks so bad that they were waking nightmares.  Thankfully, that's gone now.  Comparatively, I have virtually no anxiety now.  Though, compared to a "normal" person, I probably have them more often.

For instance, yesterday Patrick woke me up at 7am.  I had a chiropractor appointment at 10, so at a little after 8, I decided to take a shower.  I took Patrick in with me so that he wouldn't get into anything while I was busy.  During the shower, I peaked out at the clock.  It was nearly 8:40, and I thought to myself "Wow, Erin's sleeping late, I hope she's okay."

I guess you can call these my "famous last words."  Within minutes, I was having mental images of walking into Erin's room to check on her and finding her cold.  She's 3, well past the age of SIDS risk, but still.  I quickly rinsed out my hair, wrapped myself in my towel and left Patrick in my tub as I all but ran (wet and dripping) to her room.

I woke her up checking on her.  She's fine.

But before that, I was crying I was so sure that my other baby girl had died too.

Right now, typing this, it feels a bit ridiculous.  She did the same thing this morning, but thankfully I managed to avoid the panic attack.  Maybe it's a new schedule.  Maybe it's just a growth spurt.

I hate that at every small change I react like that.


  1. I do this ALL. THE. TIME! I can actually see how things will play out in my head. It's horrible. :( We wouldn't be good Mothers if we didn't worry like we do. ((hugs))

  2. Worry is definitely normal as a mom but since the loss of my baby boy I jump to crazy conclusions a lot faster than I did before. My 3 year old is a wondering soul and I panic daily when I cannot find her.