Thursday, April 15, 2010

the longing for another

It's hard for me, really, when I start getting baby hungry.  I am, a little, now, but not really.  I always have to question myself, do I really want another or do I want the other one?  I still long for a little girl with red curly hair, one that I can keep, one that I can show off.  One whose hair I can play with.

But if I do, would it hurt more to look at her than it does to look at Erin?

I do want another couple babies eventually.  I'm just not ready for another pregnancy right now.  And not just the idea of puking my guts up for another 9 months, I'm not ready for the anxiety of it yet either.  I'm terrified of miscarrying, because I figure I will eventually at least once.  They're pretty common, and a stillbirth doesn't exempt me.

Right now, the risk of another loss is too much for me.  I don't want another one enough yet.

But when I think about holding another baby....I desperately want what I should have had in the first place.



  1. Couldn't have said it better myself!


  2. 'do I really want another or do I want the other one?'
    I ask myself the same question.