It's hard for me, really, when I start getting baby hungry. I am, a little, now, but not really. I always have to question myself, do I really want another or do I want the other one? I still long for a little girl with red curly hair, one that I can keep, one that I can show off. One whose hair I can play with.
But if I do, would it hurt more to look at her than it does to look at Erin?
I do want another couple babies eventually. I'm just not ready for another pregnancy right now. And not just the idea of puking my guts up for another 9 months, I'm not ready for the anxiety of it yet either. I'm terrified of miscarrying, because I figure I will eventually at least once. They're pretty common, and a stillbirth doesn't exempt me.
Right now, the risk of another loss is too much for me. I don't want another one enough yet.
But when I think about holding another baby....I desperately want what I should have had in the first place.