Thursday, April 29, 2010

Saturday, April 29, 2006

I woke up Saturday morning feeling fabulous.  I seriously felt better than I had since becoming pregnant.  I spent some time in the afternoon sitting outside on a blanket reading, just enjoying the weather.  It had been a long winter and having warm dry weather was wonderful.

My upstairs neighbor's mother had come to visit her.  Her mother was a labor and delivery nurse, and when I told her that I felt so good she told me she'd expect me to go into labor within the next couple of days.  I didn't know if I believed it but she swore up and down that it was common to get a "second wind" right before labor.

A friend of mine had told me that they were having a girly movie get-together at her apartment that afternoon, so when the time came I walked over to her place.  The short walk over had brought the shooting pains back and nausea came crashing in on me.

When I arrived at my friend's house, to my surprise it wasn't a girly movie but rather a baby shower.  I was touched, really touched.  I hadn't expected a baby shower because I had no family nearby, and just a few friends.  Well, 4 of those friends decided that 4 was enough and my baby deserved a party to celebrate her.  I don't think that they will ever know how much I appreciated it then, and now much I do now.  She may not have lived to her birth, but she was loved and celebrated just like any other.

One of them, not sure who, asked me how I was feeling.  I answered, "I almost don't care about the baby, I just don't want to be pregnant anymore."  No other sentence I've ever said has ever haunted me like that one.  3 days later I wasn't pregnant anymore, but had no baby.  I got my wish.  As much as I can tell myself that those words had nothing to do with her death, it still hurts to remember them coming from my mouth.  I just remind myself that that pregnancy was so difficult and it was the physical hardship speaking those words.  Of course I wanted my baby.  I would have been pregnant for months longer if it meant I could have taken her home alive.

But it hurts so much that I said that at all.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Britt, I too spoke words like that. It was very difficult for awhile NOT to blame myself for what happened to the boys because of what I said. It just isn't fair we had to go through this. Not at all.

    Love to you!