Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Four years ago today...

...was my last OB appointment.  I was 37w3d.  My parents would be in Utah, a mere 3 1/2 hours away, for my older brother's graduation that weekend.  I asked my OB about the possibility of inducing so that they could come up...and he very gently explained to me all the reasons why they don't like inducing before 39 weeks without medical reason.  Cora's heartbeat was strong, high 130s, just like it had always been.  I was disappointed on one level, but not really.  I was very done being pregnant, though, as I was still throwing up at least twice a day, I was swollen, I had horrible reflux, and my hips ached so badly.  But at the same time, I wanted her to come when she was ready, and not simply because I was impatient.  It felt selfish.

He did offer to check my cervix though, and I was 70% effaced and 2cms dilated.  He said he felt her head, but she moved away when he touched her.  Before he left at the end of the appointment, he said "We'll see you in a week.  That is if we don't see you up at the hospital before that."

We didn't make it to the next Wednesday.

I still can't help but wonder what would have happened if we had induced.  She would have gone into distress, as she did, but we would have had monitors on her.  I probably would have had an emergency c-section.  Maybe....I might have her in my arms right now.

But, deep down, I truly believe that she just wasn't supposed to be here.  And if I hadn't lost her then, than it would have been somehow else.  Maybe some way that would have been more my fault.  In some way that that would mean that I couldn't just close my eyes and assuage the guilt by telling myself that it wasn't my fault.

But my mind still races through what ifs and maybes.  Her death could have been prevented and that still eats at me.