Wednesday, January 6, 2010


It's amazing how sometimes this still sneaks up on me, even though I have since had two living and very healthy babies.

I failed.

I failed to protect my daughter like a mother is supposed to.

Now, I know it's not my fault, I do.  I have accepted the fact that there was nothing I could do.

But I still failed.

I think it's interesting to think that, in this day and age of women's rights and equality it still is so hard.  I've talked to many women who were very in to that side of things (I'm more of a traditionalist when it comes to female roles), still feel like it's their fault for losses. 

In the end, no matter how "equal" women become, there is still something that sets us apart.  It is a very fundamental role of a woman to protect her child.  It's one of the characteristics that make women women.  Now, men protect their children too, don't get me wrong, but it's different for us.

The womb is supposed to be the safest place in the world.

The woman is supposed to protect, nurture and sustain her child until it is strong enough to enter the world and live on its own.

And I failed.

I lost something so fundamental to my worth as a woman at that instant.  And I won't ever get that back.  And that still hurts.


  1. I know EXACTLY what you mean. In my head I know there's nothing I could have done, but my heart won't wrap around the fact that I am a failure as a mother. And the funny thing is, no one but other BLM understand this feeling. I could tell someone this till I was blue in the face and they would still try to talk me into convincing myself that it isn't my fault... I understand what you mean!
    My heart goes out to you today...

  2. I agree. I was driving down the road just today thinking/talking to my Joshua like I always do and all I could say is sorry I (my body) wasn't good enough to carry you. I know there is nothing I could have done but...

  3. Oh Brittanie. I feel the same.
    That I failed my girls. That I failed to be their mother.
    And I know that I could tell you a million times that it wasn't your fault but I don't think that the guilt ever leaves us. Perhaps it is all just tangled up in being a mommy to our girls who aren't here in our arms? xo

  4. I feel the exact same way! I failed to bring Preslie alive into this world. I know she wasn't meant to be here, but I still feel the guilt.