Thursday, January 7, 2010

Triggers on TV and movies

They surprise me sometimes.  And usually it's from something that isn't specifically about stillbirth.

For instance, there is an episode of House, where Cuddy is expecting the whole time to be able to adopt a baby.  At the last minute, the birth mother changes her mind.  At the end of the episode, it shows Cuddy in the nursery she has prepared for this baby...without a baby.  She's sitting on the floor, staring at the wall.  That shot took me back.

It took me back to my empty nursery.

The movie "Up" did that same thing to me.  Now, I had a friend tell me about it, so I didn't really expect it to be as hard for me as it was.  In the beginning of the movie it shows a montage of Mr. Fredrickson's life with is wife Ellie.  There's a shot of them imagining babies in the clouds, and then decorating a nursery...and then her crying in the OB's office.  And then sitting on a chair in the front yard staring at nothing.  The feeling is that she can't conceive rather than having a lost a baby (not saying that infertility is somehow "less" just not my situation), but I wasn't prepared for that place it took me to.

Crying at the OB's office.  I remember that day so vividly.

I spent a lot of time outside in the sun staring at nothing too, just trying not to hurt.

This picture was taken by my sister, the day after Cora was born.  My oldest brother, his wife and daughter, and my sister all drove up from Utah to spend the day with us.


  1. I loved the movie "UP" and was so surprised during that part. It took me back...

  2. ...and that photo officially made me cry. I love you. Thank you for letting me love you, my friend.