From the time I was a teenager I expected to miscarry at least once. Actually, my first pregnancy. I was quite surprised when that didn't happen.
There have been a lot of miscarriages in my family, even if you just count my mother and my 4 aunts. And statistically speaking, any woman who has more than 3 pregnancies can expect to miscarry at least once.
And I've never miscarried. I know full well that Cora's death was pure freakish accident and so doesn't count in such things. I've had three full term pregnancies. And Cora's death doesn't somehow make me "immune" either.
Lately I've been contemplating my next pregnancy, since I want at least 2 more children. I'm not baby hungry, like I was when Erin was the age Patrick is now. I'm not excited at the prospect of being pregnant again.
No, actually when I think about being pregnant again I get incredibly anxious. I pinpointed it tonight. I think the next time I get pregnant I will miscarry.
I'm obviously not going to keep me from having those two more kids I want....later. I'm just not ready right at this moment to face the possiblity of a miscarriage. While I would honestly at this point rather lose a baby earlier rather than later if I had to choose (simply because it means less throwing up, among other things), I'd rather NOT lose another baby at all. I'm not ready to face the anxiety of the possibility of another loss right now. I hope that this feeling doesn't just get worse as time goes by.