All the ways that she is here.

Sometimes it gets so easy to see all the things we don't have, and forget the things that we do.  Cora may not be here physically, but she is here, all around me.  I have bought something for Cora every Christmas so far, and so after my last post in a fit of depression, I'd thought I'd share her things.

2006 was my first Christmas without her.  On top of it being that, and her should-be first Christmas, I was also pregnant with Erin and therefore very emotional.  I found a book, called A Christmas Bell for Anya, and it made me cry so hard I had to buy it.  The story is of a bellmaker in Russia and his 8-year-old daughter.  2 days before Christmas a revolutionary mob tore through his little village and Anya was killed.  He lay in his cold empty house for 2 days, and then on Christmas morning he heard the bells.  Anya had been chosen to be an angel in the village's Christmas pageant and he had made her a special bell to ring, and that morning the bells were ringing without her.  But he seemed to hear her voice in the peals and she said to him "Christ was born so that I may live again.  Ring my bell for me on Christmas morning and remember."

So I went on a search for the perfect bell.  And it was really hard to find one that would actually ring.  I found a set of 6 that would go on the tree.  (Erin and Patrick have been ringing them since the tree went up.  It makes me happy).

And then after I'd given up on finding the perfect one, I found this.  And yes, I ring it every Christmas morning.

In 2007 I wasn't looking for anything in particular.  It was Erin's first Christmas, so that day I was actually looking for an ornament for her.  And I found this

It sits on her shelf and is up all year round.

In 2008 I was pregnant with Patrick.  I decided to make us all stockings, and I couldn't leave Cora out.  I told my husband that it broke my heart to have it empty on Christmas morning, though, so every year Santa has put chocolate covered orange sticks in there for the family.  Last year I wrote a letter to her and put it in there on Christmas Eve.  I plan on doing that every year.

Last year I found this gorgeous angel.  It says "Perhaps they are not stars in the sky, but rather openings where our loved ones smile down to let us know that they are happy."

And this year, I bought this.  It wasn't specifically for Cora, but I decided to buy it specifically so I could put her name on it.

And of course, every year I make her a snowflake.

She isn't completely gone.  She is all around me.  Sometimes I forget that though.  It's good to remember.