Thursday, December 30, 2010

Disconnected (pregnancy mentioned)

I feel like I'm lying to people when I talk about being pregnant.  I'm starting to feel it physically more, which is good, but when it comes to the idea of actually having a baby come feels like a sham.

I had such an instant bond with Cora.  It felt surreal, in that you can't really comprehend what it is actually like to experience something you haven't yet, but I could dream about her in a real way.  I expected to get a baby out of it.

I didn't with Erin and Patrick.  And especially not now.  Maybe it's not "especially" in that it's harder for me now than it was with them, but because I was expecting it to get better or easier being 4 1/2 years removed and having had 2 live births since.

But I don't.  I don't believe it.  Not yet.  And that fact makes me want to cry.

1 comment:

  1. I totally know how you are feeling!! I wrote a blog with the same title a while back. I am now 28 weeks pregnant with a boy and not feeling so disconnected since hes been soo active, however i still cant picture him in the future like i did with Bella(my angel who died 1/12/10)...I dont think I will be able to until he arrives and is healthy. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your thoughts. Praying for you and your rainbow!